


Benjamin and the Rest of the World

by TheManyFacesofJester



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Underage Drinking, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 41,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6796318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManyFacesofJester/pseuds/TheManyFacesofJester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben has loved his older brother’s best friend Caleb for who knows how long. Caleb has a track record for leaving broken hearts. Through the course of four years Ben and Caleb’s relationship evolves and devolves and grows as Ben discovers that the hardest part of life is not love, but change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freshman

**Author's Note:**

> You ever get a story in your head that you can't get out until it's on paper? This is that story. This is a four-part tale following Ben through all four years of high school. I just felt like I needed to write it. Also, Caleb's tank-top is totally @numrich's fault. I hope everyone enjoys reading this! See ya real soon!

 1

“First day! All grown up now, aren’t’cha Benny!” Caleb shouted, tumbling through the house like a hurricane. He swept through the front door without knocking and breezed down the hallway to the room on his right. The room was meant to be spare guest room, complete with a futon and television, but the futon was always kept in seat mode and the room was generally used as a secondary living room. This is where Ben was seated, taking in the glory of Caleb’s entrance.

“Ben’s been grown up since the day he was born,” Sam called from the kitchen, having to raise his voice quite a bit as the kitchen was rather a distance from the guest room, being all the way down the hallway and past the actual living room. “He’s been planning for his first year of High School since kindergarten. College just as long, too!”

“Eh, still going for Yale?”

“Mhm,” Ben mumbled, fidgeting with his backpack. Caleb seemed to calm down a moment, noticing the younger boy’s apathy.

“Hey,” he said in that soft voice he reserved for Ben. “You’re gonna be fine. You’ve got me and Sam to look out for you. We’re seniors this year, so that’ll speak highly of you already. Sam’s probably told the whole school about you, as far as I remember last year.”

Caleb’s hand touched Ben’s shoulder gently and the latter suppressed a shiver. He liked Caleb’s hand there. The momentary pause in Caleb’s exuberant nature then ended and he leapt from his seat to glide around the doorway.

“Let’s go, Sammy! Move with a purpose!”

“We still have 40 minutes to get to class,” Sam hollered back. “It’s only a 10 minute drive. What, do you have to tell that guy from yesterday that ‘It didn’t mean anything’?”

“What guy?”

“The one drunkenly you made out with last night!” Sam sounded just slightly exasperated.

“I hate to be like this, but you’re gonna have to be way more specific.”

“I’m gonna pray for you tonight, Caleb.” This was said as a joke, but knowing Sam, it was probably also true. That was just the way of Sam. He could be fun, and whimsical, but there was always a layer of pure kindness to him. Ben adamantly believed Sam had taken all the goodness available when he was born so there was none left for his younger brother.

Ben pretended to half-listen to the conversation as it happened, but he found himself all-ears as they got deeper into what happened at this party last night. Caleb and his brother were notorious night-lifers, attending anything they got invited to, which was everything, of course. Caleb and Sam had said Ben would join them when he started school, but Ben didn’t really believe that. Ben didn’t do parties and social events. It wasn’t in his nature.

“Wait, the ugly one with the good hair?” Caleb called. He seemed to be getting to the bottom of who exactly he made out with on the previous night.

“Tom’s not ugly, he’s a very nice guy, but yes, I suppose.”

“Oh, yeah. Shit. Ok, so I should probably have a talk with him,” Caleb said. “Just so he knows what last night wasn’t.”

Caleb didn’t exactly mean to be a heartbreaker, but that’s what he was anyway. It wasn’t really his fault. He had a bit too much at parties every once in a while and ended up doing something with somebody. No one ever got physically hurt, but it broke Ben’s heart a little to hear about how many people Caleb went through.

The light treading of Sam’s feet preceded his appearance at the door. He was dressed in his usual casual-formal: dark jeans and a dress shirt without a tie. Even still, he looked overdressed compared to Caleb, who was in cargo shorts and a ‘Sun’s Out, Guns Out’ tank top. It was like summer and autumn were meeting one another.

“Are you ready yet? Is your hair perfect?” Caleb teased as Sam picked up his bag from the side of the staircase. “Wouldn’t want you to actually look like a high schooler, would we?”

Ben laughed and stood to walk out the door with them. As they exited onto the porch the warm, late-August air blew a gardenia scented breeze past them. It felt more like summer outside then it did autumn, but the weather would change as soon as September hit. New England weather was predisposed to be cold.

“Hey,” Sam said, placing his hand on Ben’s shoulder just before they climbed into the car. “High School’s going to be different. You’ll make friends and have adventures and be incredible. The next four years are going to fly by, no matter what you think now. Enjoy it while it happens. Promise me that.”

“I promise.”

There was a pause where Ben nodded and Sam grinned in a wild, happy way, then they slid into the car. Ben always got the backseat, and Sam always got shotgun, though Ben bet if he asked Sam would immediately relinquish his front-seat privileges. He was the good brother, after all.

“You and I have Business Management and Computer Applications together,” Caleb said to Ben when they arrived at the school, pulling into the parking lot on two wheels as Caleb all but crashed into his designated parking spot before some ‘moron Junior took it’.

“Oh.” Ben hadn’t known that until now. He thought Caleb would have gotten all his mandatory electives out of the way his freshman year, but he thought wrong apparently. Two classes with Caleb. They could work together in class, and talk about homework out of class, and study together. It was almost too perfect an excuse to spend time with one another.

“Health is first today, so I guess we’ll walk to it together if you want. Bye Sammy!” Caleb called, flipping off Sam as he walked, that being his preferred method of farewell as opposed to the usual waving. Ben opted to wave good-bye to his brother the normal way, Sam giving him an encouraging thumbs up as they walked to different buildings, Sam to the Main and Ben and Caleb to the Secondary.

Setauket High School had two buildings for no other purpose than neither building built was big enough to hold all the students and classes. The Secondary building was originally a Middle School and the Main building was the original High School, both separated by a football field square of grass now called The Quad. But when a new Middle School was built and the number of incoming high school students increased, the Middle School was adopted as a part of the High School. It was a nice idea, giving teachers and students more classrooms, but unfortunately, students were only given six minutes to get from class to class, so many students have to running back and forth across a football field to get to class on time. Students ended up trying to schedule classes to they would remain in one building for at least two classes in a row so they wouldn’t have to hoof it across The Quad every hour and a half, but it was impossible to have all your classes in one building. Caleb explained all of this as Ben and he made their way across The Quad to the first floor of the Secondary building.

At the end of the day, Ben was exhausted. Each class was exactly the same, full of ice breakers and name-games that no one really cared about since they weren’t going to remember anyone’s name after that day anyway. The highlight, however, were Ben’s classes with Caleb. He was one of those magical students who sat at the back of the classroom and made jokes instead answering questions and called all the teachers by their first name, but everyone still loved him. He must have known everyone in the whole school, as he clapped high-fives and said ‘hello’ to virtually everyone he passed in the hallway. Ben felt insignificant and small next to him, despite the fact that they were the same height. He wished he had that kind of special power to just get along with everyone naturally.

“Have a good day?” Sam asked when they met out in the parking lot. The sun was still out, and would be for quite a few hours yet, but the air was slightly cooler, whispering that autumn was coming.

“I had a long day,” Ben said, dodging the question. “How many times do these teachers think I want to play Two Truths and a Lie?”

“You’ll miss that when classes actually start!” Caleb said, showing up at last with a plastic bag in his hand.

“What’s that?”

“Something for the newly minted High School man. And us, of course.”

“No, Caleb,” Sam said, already aware that it was a double-bagged 6-pack of beer. “He’s only 15.”

“And we were drinking when we were 15 too. Live a little!” That was quite a statement coming from the person who had apparently obtained alcohol at a High School.

Despite Sam’s complaints, they all climbed out onto the roof to drink the beers Caleb had bought as soon as it got dark out. The star-covered sky was clear and magnificent, twinkling lights shining down on the three of them as they each took a bottle.

Ben felt almost silly, up there with Sam and Caleb, like he didn’t belong, but everyone feels that way at some time or another, so he let it be what it was and drank what he had been given.

They talked about the future, and the past, and the present up there on the roof. They complained, and wished, and dreamt, and laughed, and lived in the moment. It was one of those perfect instances that Ben knew he would look back at someday and feel the twinges of nostalgia pick at his heart. He wished they could have joined the stars and stayed there forever.

2

As everyone got situated with the start of the new school year, Ben came to the conclusion that high school was exactly was what he had expected it to be. The classes were long and mostly dull, homework always felt easy until he got home and realized otherwise, and the schedule was confusing. Setauket High School was on a Drop-Schedule, which meant students had seven classes per semester, but only five a day. Classes 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 would be had the first day with 6 and 7 dropped. The second day, students had classes 6, 7, 1, 2, and 3 with 4 and 5 dropped, and so on for the rest of the year. It was impossible to know which class you had first the next morning unless you knew what class usually comes after the one you had last that day.

Despite his promise to Sam, Ben hadn’t made any friends, but he found he was particularly good at making enemies. He got into a debate daily with Mr. Arnold, his World History teacher, over the current political situation of America and other global countries. He also found himself in classes with a particularly offensive and irritating boy who everyone just called Bradford whom he disliked absolutely the instant they met one another. The only person he talked to in any of his classes was Caleb, and even then it wasn’t that simple. Caleb was his brother’s friend, not his, so he never felt right acting like they knew one another in class. Caleb also knew everyone, so he had more than enough people talking to him that Ben felt left out and unnecessary, which was the exact opposite of how he wanted to feel around Caleb.

Still, he got to spend almost every afternoon with Caleb when he came to visit Sam, and no one else in any of his classes could say that. He could admit that he was jealous of Caleb’s other friends, most of whom Ben was sure were secretly in love with Caleb and had a at least a decent chance of being with him in the future. He couldn’t blame them, but it was still irksome. It was painful to care so much about someone everyone else cared about too. Still, opportunities were yet to be presented.

“Anna’s having another party, and guess who’s invited!” Caleb shouted, ripping past the living room and into the kitchen in a way more graceful than it should have been.

“Is it us?” Sam asked in a mocking tone.

“You would be right! But guess who ‘us’ includes!” He added, gesturing with his head to Ben, who was eating a bowl of cereal at the counter, despite the fact that it was 5 in the afternoon. He perked up, however, when he noticed Caleb motioning towards him.

“Me?”

“Ben?” Sam said, not surprised, but worried.

“Yup,” Caleb replied, sounding mighty pleased with himself. “Anna told me that you and I could come, but when I mentioned Ben she said he was welcome as well!”

Sam didn’t seem a hundred percent on board with the idea, but the idea of Ben actually leaving the house and meeting people was enough to sell him on the deal. The party was at 10, which left Sam, Caleb and Ben about 4 and a half hours to get ready. ‘Get ready’ meaning inform Ben of every possible scenario he could encounter at this party. Sam’s advice was all practical. Caleb’s was not.

“If anyone offers you anything without a lid, accept it, but throw it away.”

“Why bother taking it then?”

“You can’t be rude and say no.”

“Oh.”

“If they bring out a keg, be the first volunteer to go upside down so you can assert you’re dominance.”

“Caleb!”

“What? It’s what I do.”

“Uh-huh.”

The conversation continued in the house, in the car, and on the walk up to the house. Even though they were on time the house was already filled with people, noise, and alcohol. The lights were off in most of the rooms and every corner was already full-up with people pressing themselves against one another. It was an orgy of sounds, emotions, smells, and sights. Everyone was doing something. People were drinking, laughing, dancing, kissing, even fucking in some rooms and stairwells.

Three beers were grabbed from a table to the left of the entrance as Sam and Ben greeted people they knew.

“This is gonna be hell to clean up Anna!” Caleb shouted over the drone of the music.

“It’s worth it though!” she responded, walking over to Abe. He’d come with his girlfriend, Mary. Anna didn’t seem to care. That’s what there nights were for, weren’t they? To be whoever you wanted then blame it on the alcohol in the morning. It was about the freedom of getting to be a stranger among your friends.

Caleb immediately found someone to dance with. He walked up to the first boy he found and pulled him onto the floor, not bothering about who they were with or what they were doing. Ben watched as Caleb did it again and again with different people as the songs changed, each time expecting him to get refused at least once, but it never happened. Maybe Caleb was as irresistible to everyone else as he was to Ben. Maybe it was magic.

Sam didn’t much care for dancing, but he did care about the foosball tournament happening in the dining room. While both rooms were attached through a large doorway, Sam still felt far away as Ben sank into a seat by the window. It was nice, the people watching aspect of the evening, but as hours past Ben found himself bored and disillusioned. You had to have charisma to enjoy these events, and in that category Ben was lacking. So instead he just sat and drank one beer after another, having nothing else to do. He was lightheaded and tipsy when he saw Caleb approach him.

“Come here,” he said, holding out his hand to Ben. Ben grabbed it without thinking, wondering if they were leaving. Instead Caleb pulled him into the crowded mess of people dancing. Before anything could be said or done Caleb had flipped him around and was grinding on him. Everything suddenly felt too tight. The crowd, his clothes, the air. But it didn’t feel bad. Nothing was quite registering in Ben’s mind as Caleb’s hands gripped his hips and ran up and down the front of his thighs. He could feel Caleb’s breath on his neck and his chest on his back and his jeans pressed up against his ass.

Ben expected Caleb to stop after one song, but as it faded to the next hit Caleb kept his grip, so Ben got more into it. He swayed, and dipped down, and bent back and he could swear he felt Caleb get just slightly hard through his jeans.

It was when the third song was ending that Ben caught of glimpse of his brother, who had reappeared in the living room, likely to check on Ben. Through his foggy, hazy, alcohol addled eyes Ben could see that Sam had noticed him and Caleb dancing and looked, of all things, confused. Not upset, as far as he could tell, just bewildered; like he was trying to figure something out. When the song finally faded out, Caleb let him go, then clasped his hand and dragged him over to Sam.

“Your brother needed a dance lesson. How was foosball?” Caleb shouted, louder than he needed to, but he was clearly intoxicated as well.

“I won.” He didn’t sound happy.

“Great!” Caleb didn’t notice.

“It’s almost one in the morning,” Sam said, obviously the most sober of any of them. “Anna said she’s gonna get the megaphone and kick everyone out pretty soon. We should head out now.”

“That’s a pretty decent idea,” Caleb agreed. “Hey, mind if I stay in the guest room tonight? My mom’ll flip if I come home like this!”

“Yeah, sure.” Sam said flippantly, taking hold of his brother’s wrist and leading him out the door. Caleb followed suite, catching up so he could hand the keys to Sam.

Ben didn’t remember getting home, or climbing into bed, but he must have because he woke up in his room the following morning. Morning was rather the wrong word for it though, as it was 11 in the afternoon, but it could have been 4:00am the way Ben was feeling. His head was heavy and foggy, his brain moving at the same speed as his body instead of faster as he tried to sit up. A glass of water was by his bed with something fizzy in it. Ben drank it without thinking, using it to take the Advil that had been left on his nightstand as well.

As he came to his senses, he heard voices coming from downstairs. Ben shuffled over to the one way into his room and lifted the trap door in the floor board. Ben had the attic all to himself as his bedroom, but the only way into it was through the trapdoor and up a collapsible ladder. Ben tried to be as quiet as possible as he lifted the door and listened to the voices traveling up.

“-not what I was doing, Sammy.”

“I’m just saying, he’s not one of your fuckboys, Caleb. He’s my brother.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know what I mean. He’s not a screw-and-skip, Caleb.”

“I just danced with him, Sam.”

“That’s fine, as long as it stays that way. Unless you plan on getting serious with him, just leave him alone.”

“I don’t plan on doing anything with him, so there’s nothing to worry about. He probably drank too much to remember what happened anyway.”

Ben didn’t come downstairs until Sam came to check on him. Caleb was gone by then anyway.

3

The last of the summer air was long gone as the months rolled forward into autumn and winter. Everything felt slow and crisp. The air, the buildings, the people. The sun came out once in a while, but for the most part it was cloudy and bitterly cold. The sun wasn’t up anymore when Sam and Ben headed off to school with Caleb. Instead the dark lingered until after first period. The cross across The Quad from the Main to the Secondary was unbearable in the stinging wind. But at least on some days Ben had Caleb’s company.

Ben had played dumb about the night they danced, trying to maintain his good graces with Caleb. So he wasn’t interested in Ben. That was alright. Ben could live with that, he supposed, but he couldn’t bear it if he lost Caleb completely. He could work with ‘just friends’, even if it was a secondary friendship that trickled down from his brother to him.

“You look freezing,” Caleb said as he, Ben, and Sam clamored to get into the car as fast as they could so they could put on some heat.

“That’s because we are, Caleb.”

“See, that’s what you get for not having any extra padding on your bodies!” he bragged as he pushed the heat up. Ben and Sam both screamed as cold air flooded the car.

“Asshole!” Sam shouted, jamming the heat back down. Caleb knew full well that his car had to be on for a while before the heater worked. Caleb just laughed. He _was_ a bit of an asshole sometimes.

Sam had Caleb drop him off at work when they started driving. He had gotten a job at a Blood Donation Truck a few months back and was actually starting to get some decent hours. He told Caleb to drive Ben home by himself. As they pulled into the driveway, however, Caleb turned off the heat and pulled out what looked like a cigarette, but obviously wasn’t.

“Is that-”

“Yeah.” Caleb said, pulling out a lighter. “I usually do this outside, but fuck, it’s freezing. I can’t do it at my house or my mom’ll flip, so your driveway it is I’m afraid. You want some?”

“Um…” Ben murmured, gathering his things from the backseat as Caleb turned his head around to look at him.

“Oh come on. You’re gonna make me smoke by myself?”

“I’m planning on it, yes.”

“I can’t smoke alone. If you smoke alone it starts to become an addiction instead of a social thing.”

“I don’t smoke weed.”

“Yeah, I know, so this is a once in a lifetime shot to try it for free!” Caleb said, taking a drag from the now lit blunt. “Your brother doesn’t smoke either, but I figured you might be a little more adventurous. Live a little!”

“This sounds a lot like the peer pressure I was warned about in those commercials on TV,” Ben said dryly.

“That’s exactly what this is, now hop up to the front seat and get high with me.”

Ben chewed his lip, then shrugged and climbed up so he was in the front with Caleb.

“You’re gonna giggle,” Caleb said as he handed the blunt to Ben.

“Why makes you say that?”

“Because everyone does.”

Ben coughed a bit after the first drag, but Caleb managed to help him find a technique that worked. It didn’t take all too long for Ben to start feeling high. It wasn’t what he expected. He thought about smoking pot in the way it was shown in the movies, but he didn’t feel like talking about poetry or life, he just felt elevated. Everything was so intense. He must have spent several minutes just listening to his own breathing because it felt so weird.

“Wait, wait, wait, lemme put on the radio, you have to hear what music sounds like when you’re high,” Caleb said, taking another drag then pressing the button on his car dashboard. It was Bob Marley. Ben giggled.

The car smelt like a mix of skunk and B.O. by the time they tossed the roach, but Ben didn’t care. Caleb was just watching him as though it was the most incredible thing to watch him get high for the first time. They listened to music, and laughed, and ate all the food Caleb had in his car, and talked a little bit, but Ben was suddenly very concerned with not sounding stupid in from of Caleb, so he mostly kept his mouth shut.

“Just wait until you have sex when you’re high,” Caleb said. “It’s the best feeling in the world.”

“Does it feel different? Like, really different when you’re high?”

“Oh yeah. Any physical contact is just unbelievable.”

Ben didn’t seem to believe him, which Caleb apparently took issue with, deciding then to lean across the seat and press Ben’s mouth against his own.

He was right. It was intense, but not necessarily because they were high. Caleb’s hand was tight to the side of Ben’s face, pressing the pair as close together as possible. They never locked lips, but just kept pulling apart and pushing back together, opening and closing their mouths in a pattern. They kept going like that for several minutes, tilting their heads frequently to find a better angle.

At last, Caleb pulled apart and leaned back to his own seat.

“Neat, right?” Caleb’s voice was calm, if a little out of breathe, but Ben felt like he would fall apart if he tried to speak. So, they just sat for a few minutes, in the silence of the car as they slowly came down from their highs.

“You’re brother’ll be back in a few hours. You should take a shower. And a nap, maybe,” he said as he came back down to earth. “Sammy’ll kill me is he finds out I made you smoke with me.”

Caleb apparently wasn’t going to mention or even acknowledge that he and Ben had made out for a solid few minutes just previously, but that was the way of Caleb, wasn’t it. Ben had heard about the things Caleb did when he was drunk and high, but he was never on the receiving end of those things. It was over, and he had to move on. That was the way of it. Still, as he climbed out of the car, he was glad it had happened. Perhaps it was worth it to live a little once in a while.

4

“How’s the college app going?” Caleb said, lounging on the couch with a bag of Doritos as Sam tapped away at his computer. Ben was in the armchair beside Caleb, reaching over to take some chips once in a while as he finished some homework up.

“It’s awful, what’s new,” Sam replied, referencing a sheet of paper on the table as he continued to click boxes on the CollegeBoard site.

“Come on, it’s Spring Break, let’s do something!” Caleb whined, throwing a chip at Ben to get his attention. Ben bit his lip to keep from smiling. The last of the day’s sunlight was spilling in from all sides of the living room, the cold winter months having passed, and everything was starting to pick up again. Sam was busy getting ready for college, Ben had a million and one projects to work on, and Caleb was keeping them more than busy with a plethora of activities, though Caleb and Sam seemed strained at times. They were being pulled onto two different paths, it would seem. Sam was going to college, and Caleb was staying here to work. They were in the same room, but on two different planets.

Ben continued to work on his history homework as Caleb’s phone rang.

“’Sup Selah. Are you shitting me? I’m on my way,” Caleb said quickly before hanging up the phone. “Pike is having a Frat Party and Selah’s inviting us!”

“Pike? The frat that isn’t a frat?” Ben said. He had heard about Pike before, as Sam and Caleb’s friend Selah was part of it. It used to be a real Fraternity on campus, but when it lost funding the school got rid of it, but the members still acted like it was a real Fraternity and held events constantly. The problem was they always invite too many people to every party and the police show up to shut it down almost as soon as it starts.

“Yes, and we’re all going, so get dressed!” He said. Sam seemed delighted to be pulled away from the drudgery of the Common App and slipped on his shoes and some cologne. “You too Bennyboy, move with a purpose!”

“Me?”

“Yes, you, shake a leg, we gotta meet Selah at the door, and he’s not gonna wait forever.”

“I’m barely 16,” Ben objected.

“Yes, and you act like you’re 50, no one’ll notice!”

Ben looked to Sam, who paused, but shrugged in agreement.

“If you want to leave, just tell me and we’ll go, alright,” Sam said, as they walked out the door. “This’ll probably be just like every other party we’ve been too, just with college students. You should be fine!”

It was almost a forty minute drive to the campus, and a ten minute drive to find a parking spot close to the frat house. The sun had set by then and darkness was everywhere thanks to street lamps that weren’t working properly. Still, the Pike house was alive with light as Ben, Sam, and Caleb entered. The house was much larger than any of the houses Ben had been to for parties before. There were hallways and room and after room of people who were just all over each other. A beer pong table seemed to be the main attraction, people almost crying tears of joy as their buddies made marks-men shots. Everything looked alive and feverish, drinking and shouting.

Selah led them into the kitchen and got each of them a beer. Ben felt out of place, as usual, but no one seemed to notice him. He felt like this is what it was to be invisible.

After the first beer Caleb and Selah seemed to be feeling a little more adventurous, setting up a line of shots. Sam shrugged and decided to go for it as well, and Caleb pulled Ben over to do a few. Sam didn’t notice, or he would have objected, but Ben didn’t care. He didn’t feel invisible after the shots. They burned his throat as they went down but he felt important and included.

Everything got chaotic after that. The music felt loud but Ben’s ears felt numb. Sam disappeared with Selah to play beer pong, but Ben and Caleb kept taking shots until they were way beyond tipsy. Before either of them knew it they were dancing again, just like at the first party. Caleb was pressed up behind Ben, but he was somehow closer than before. His mouth was pressed to Ben’s neck and Ben was arching into his body. His breath was hot as Caleb kept kissing and biting and sucking on the back of his neck and he couldn’t take it so he turned around in time for Caleb to press his mouth against his own.

Caleb dragged his hands all the way down Ben’s back until they reach his jean pockets which he slipped into. Ben lost his hands in the tangle of Caleb’s brown hair as their bodies inched closer together. Then, suddenly, Caleb stopped.

“Come here,” he said, and he dragged Ben by the jeans up a short staircase into an open room with nothing but a bed and a dresser. Caleb shut the door behind them then pulled Ben back to him. Caleb’s hands flew to unbutton Ben’s shirt and Ben didn’t stop him, shrugging it off his shoulders when it was loose enough. Caleb removed his own shirt himself, struggling slightly to pull it over his head as Ben refused to leave his mouth alone. Jeans were next, as the two of them sloppily tried to remove their own, lost in their drunken fog.

Before Caleb dropped his jeans he pulled a condom and pocket lube from the back pocket, throwing them onto the bed as he pressed back against Ben, both of them now officially naked. Ben never let Caleb’s mouth leave his as he was back up against the bed. He got on his knees on the bed when they reached it, then Caleb joined him and pushed Ben down so he was lying flat.

Finally Ben let Caleb trail his mouth to his neck, sucking at it in such as way that Ben felt heat run up and down his body. He barely noticed Caleb’s hand moving down his chest until it arrived between his legs.

Ben’s bent his knees at the sensation so his legs were no longer lying flat, but instead framing Caleb. Caleb ran his hand up and down the length of Ben, his mouth worrying a new spot on Ben’s neck. There was nothing Ben could do but moan and whimper and run his hands everywhere on Caleb’s back. That was apparently a suitable reaction as Caleb grabbed the lube. He blinked and shook his head a few times as he tried to tear the package, too intoxicated to see properly in front of him, before he got it open. He opened it too hard, though, and its contents spilled onto Ben’s chest, forcing Caleb to run his hand across Ben’s stomach to collect the liquid onto his hands.

His hand traveled lower between Ben’s legs and suddenly he felt the tight sensation of Caleb’s finger’s pressing into him. He wriggled and squirmed rather unceremoniously under Caleb as he pressed in and out over and over, scissoring his fingers as he did so. Ben could feel a pressure building up in the center of his body when Caleb pulled out. Ben whined and pressed his head back into the pillow, his hips bucking up in search of friction.

There was a few seconds wait for that friction as Caleb spread Ben’s legs as far as he could, put on the condom, leaned down to press his mouth against Ben’s, then pushed in. Ben forced his mouth away from Caleb’s to let out a stiff groan, his body not quite ready for what it was feeling. Caleb went as slow as he could manage, but he was picking up pace as he went in and out.

As he got used to the rhythm Ben began to press back, tilting his body up in tandem with Caleb’s. There was sighing and moaning and Ben clutched onto the sheets of the bed when Caleb continued the hand job had had begun earlier. Everything felt hot and sticky and the sound of their bodies against one another was enough to drive Ben insane. Caleb apparently felt the same, his hand starting to tremble as it worked, his body going in sharper and faster. Everything was building up. Ben’s nails were through the sheets he was grasping when a wave of absolute pleasure swept through him, going from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head. He could feel hot liquid on his stomach but he barely noticed as Caleb kept going in and out. Ben’s body felt raw when Caleb finally let out a chocked groan and shot off inside Ben.

Caleb pressed his forehead to Ben as they both basked in the glory of their orgasms. Their breath was ragged and sharp and hot. It was several minutes before Caleb collected himself enough to pull out of Ben, the most uncomfortable aspect of the entire experience, and collapse on the bed beside Ben. Ben had the sense to pull the covers over both of them before he was out as well.

5

Ben’s head was equal parts dull and painful when he woke up. He had heard some sort of noise in the room a short while back, but he wasn’t quite ready to be awake then so he’d kept sleeping. Now he could hear voices from outside the door.

The door confused Ben. He didn’t have a door in his room. He lived in the attic. It took a little while for Ben to process where exactly he was, but he managed it eventually and he searched about for Caleb, only to find that Caleb and Caleb’s clothes were absent. Then the voices outside got louder.

“You said you weren’t going to do anything! You told me-”

“Sam, I’m sorry, it was an accident, I don’t mean for this to-”

“You _accidentally_ slept with him? Did you fucking fall?”

“Sam, we just took too many shots. It was a mistake. I’m sure he’ll understand-”

“He likes you, Caleb.” Sam sounded softer then.

“I mean, yeah, we’re all friends.”

“No, Caleb, he really likes you.”

There was silence.

“Look, I’ll just talk to him. He’ll understand.”

“Of course he will. Anyone can understand ‘I don’t like you I just got drunk and had sex for fun’! It’s the principle of this. He’s my brother and you’re going to break his heart.”

“Keep your voice down. Jesus. Don’t be so dramatic. He’s gonna be fine. I’ll wake him up and we’ll just talk, OK.”

There was a pause, then the door opened. Ben didn’t have time to pretend that he was still asleep, so he just sat there, holding the covers over himself.

“Hey,” Caleb said.

“Hi,” Ben responded.

“Listen, Ben-”

“I heard.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Ben wasn’t used to seeing Caleb like this. Awkward and out of his comfort zone. “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I liked you as something more than a friend.”

“Like when you grinded on me for three songs?”

“That wasn’t-”

“Or when you made out with me in your car?”

“Um-”

“Or when you had sex with me at a Frat party?” Ben was angry now. He wasn’t before, and he never thought Caleb had liked him in return, but how dare Caleb act like he didn’t give him some mixed signals.

“Ben, I’m sorry if you’re upset, but-”

“Caleb, that’s not an apology, that’s you invalidating my feelings.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry. I just like a good time. You know me. I do this all the time!”

“That doesn’t make it right,” Ben started, but stopped himself. He felt ridiculous and embarrassed and he wanted to be home. Taking the sheet with him, Ben grabbed his clothes from the floor and began to throw them on. Caleb seemed to be indecisive about what to do, but eventually opted to just leave, looking miserable. Sam came in after Caleb left and sat on the bed with Ben.

“You knew?”

“I’m your brother,” Sam said. “We’re supposed to know things like that.”

Ben wanted to stand up and tell Sam that he was fine. He wanted to walk out with his head up, feeling perfectly adequate. That’s not what he did. Instead he leaned on his brother’s arm while embarrassed and defeated tears welled up in his eyes. They took an Uber home, then Ben went straight to bed.

6

Sam and Ben didn’t see Caleb at all as the end of the year approached. Caleb had apparently decided to skip Health and Computer Applications as often as he could, and if he did show up he got there late and left in a hurry. Ben told himself he didn’t mind, but that wasn’t true. He missed Caleb in a way that ached. The weather was finally getting warmer, but Ben felt different than he had before. The summer didn’t seem as promising as it had last year. The sweet smelling air wasn’t as appealing. Everything had lost its vividness, somehow.

As Sam prepared for graduation, normality returned to the Tallmadge household. Sam would be out of school a few weeks before Ben would be, the end of the year coming early to seniors. Together the two of them went about their daily lives, finishing homework and projects, beginning the process of packaging up Sam’s things for college. Sam was making a folder of everything he had done to get ready of college so Ben would have it in a few years. He called it The Yale Project.

“Did you’re first year go by fast?” Sam asked as his Hot Pocket dinged in the microwave.

“Not really,” Ben said, munching on cold slice of pizza. “Maybe someday I’ll look back and think it went fast.”

“Give it three more years.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, I’m off,” Sam said, taking a bite of his food as he grabbed his work bag and headed out the door. “I’ll see you at 6. Finish filling out that thing for that…teacher…?”

“The lab for my Physical Science teacher. I know.” With that Sam was gone, and Ben was alone in the house. Since Caleb was no longer driving Sam everywhere he was forced to take the bus until he could afford his own car. It wasn’t long, however, until the front door slammed again and someone was coming down the halls.

“Sam? Did you forget- Caleb?” The person marching through the house was not Ben’s brother, but a very pissed off looking Caleb.

“What the hell is this?” Caleb said, handing Ben a sheet of paper. Ben read what he was handed carefully. As far as he could tell, it was a document claiming that the school has been informed that Caleb had obtained and sold alcohol on campus and that they were investigating the matter further.

“You’re being charged with an alcohol violation, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Sorry?”

“Why would the school suddenly decide to investigate me for having alcohol on campus unless someone told them?” Caleb said, and Ben was catching on.

“Caleb, I didn’t say anything. Why would I do that to you?”

“You are the only person I know who would be pissed off enough at me to report me to the school board.”

“No, Caleb, I’m not angry at you,” Ben tried to explain calmly. “I was that day, but I’m not anymore. I’m just trying to move on.”

“Bullshit!” Caleb was getting louder, and closer, and Ben suddenly smelt the definitive smell of alcohol.

“Listen, you’ve been drinking and you’re upset, but this doesn’t have anything to do with me, I promise.”

“You stupid fuck,” Caleb shouted. “I can’t graduate while this investigation is happening. They can take away my diploma if I’m found guilty. You just can’t get over the fact that I don’t like you.”

“Caleb-”

“What! You’ve had this fantasy all figured about me and you and I crushed that so you went and decided to fuck up my whole life? What is this supposed to make happen?”

“I didn’t do anything! Can you calm down!” Ben got up from his seat and moved away. Caleb was really drunk, and obviously very scared and confused and Ben couldn’t blame him, since it did seem to be a logical step, but Caleb was crossing a line here.

“You fucking asshole. I’m glad you’re upset, and I’m glad you’re angry, and I don’t regret a thing because you’re a fucking snitching prick and I’m not shocked that you can’t get anyone to sleep with you unless their dead-ass drunk-”

“Get out.” Sam was at the door.

“Sam?” Caleb seemed to sober up a bit.

“Get out, now.” Caleb looked like he was going to say something, but Sam grabbed his arm and dragged him out to his car. Ben sat still for a moment, taking in what had happened before jumping up to the sound of his brother full-on screaming at Caleb in the driveway.

“How dare you talk to him like that! How absolutely dare you!”

“Sam, I just came to talk, I don’t know what happened,” Caleb slurred. He was still intoxicated, but he was getting a feeling for what was happening again.

“I don’t care! I don’t care what you always mean to do, or what mistakes you keep making! You _never_ talk to my brother like that! You _never_ talk to anyone like that, especially when they haven’t done anything wrong!”

“Sam, he’s the only person I know who would have reported me.”

“Really? The only one? He’s the _only_ person you have ever rejected and made upset? What about Tom, and Christian, and Rami, and Terrance, and every other guy you’ve had to have ‘the conversation’ with? Pull yourself together, and get out of my yard!”

Ben had never seen Sam so angry. Sam never shouted. Sam never acted violent. Sam never acted like this and Ben felt so guilty that all of this was his fault. Caleb seemed as frightened as Ben was.

“Sammy, I’m sorry-”

“No more apologies, Caleb.” And that was that. Sam walked back towards the porch and into the house without saying anything else. Caleb almost followed, but stopped when he saw Ben watching him in the window. Ben wondered what was going on inside his mind as they stared at each other. It didn’t feel quite appropriate, but Ben gave a little wave to Caleb. The small gesture seemed to confuse Caleb, but he returned it, then got into the car. Ben left the widow to go find his brother. Ben thought back to that night on the roof, with the stars and the clear sky. He felt the twinges of nostalgia. Look at them now.

7

Graduation was beautiful. For the first time in 10 years, Setauket High School had graduation outside thanks to a lucky lack of rain. It would have been perfect, but Sam wasn’t himself for the time leading up to it, and the time after. Losing Caleb had drained him in a strange sort of way. Ben could see that he missed having him around. Caleb had been gone since that night at the Frat house, but Ben and Sam had sort of believed that he would come back eventually. The night at the house seemed to make things final.

Ben finished school with all A’s in his classes. Sam couldn’t have been prouder. His grades went right into the The Yale Project. His freshman year was over. It was strange, how much had happened in that space of time. He felt changed in so many ways. How much more could he grow from here?

Caleb had graduated on time. Ben found out from Sam who found out from Anna that it was Tom who reported Caleb. The ‘ugly one with the good hair’ that Caleb had been with at the beginning of the year. Everything had come full circle, it seemed. Still, no evidence was found of Caleb being in violation of the code and he was permitted to graduate on time with his peers. Had things been different, Sam and Ben would have been glad. They were, sort of, but not the way they would have been. Ben missed Caleb more now than ever, though, despite it all.

The first day of summer, when the winds were soft and gentle, a letter came for Ben from someone by the name of John Bolton. Ben read it in his room in the early June heat.

_Ben,_

_I keep going for my phone to call you, but I’m not as good with words as I sometimes think I am. So, this is how I decided to do this._

_I’m sorry, Ben. I felt so bad about what happened at the Frat house and, I guess, everything else before that, and I didn’t want to feel bad. I wanted it to be your fault, or at least not mine, but it is my fault. I knew it wasn’t you that reported me. Maybe I didn’t know in my drunken stupor, but I knew. I did just come to talk though, that part was true, but you were so calm about the whole thing and I felt so stupid for coming that I just got carried away._

_I’ve never seen Sam that angry. He and I have been friends since forever, and I have never seen him like that with anyone. He did give me enough warnings though, and I should have listened._

_I’m sorry about a lot of things, I guess, and I don’t have a right to miss you both, but I do. A lot. I don’t expect anything from this letter, but I just wanted to clear the air a little bit, if I can._

_Yours Truly,_

_Caleb Brewster_

Ben read the letter a few times. It wasn’t the greatest letter in the universe. It wasn’t profound or deeply emotional, but it was exactly what Ben wanted at that moment. Ben rushed for his pencil and some paper to write a response. How strange it felt to write a letter when the phone next to him had Caleb’s number in it.

_Caleb,_

_If forgiveness is what you need, you have it. You are forgiven for everything, and need never think on the matter again. We make mistakes, but they're only worth it if we learn from them._

_We miss you too. Sam doesn’t say it out loud, but he feels it. I miss having you over for dinner. I miss seeing you in class. I miss driving to school with you in the morning and driving home in the afternoon. I wish we could just take back all the time in the world so we can live only in the moments we loved._

_Sam and I are packing him up for college. It’s going to be so lonely without him, and lonelier without you. I don’t make friends as easy as you do. I always thought it was magic how you could get along with anyone. If you have any magic left to spare, send some. We could sure use it over here._

_Yours Truly,_

_Benjamin Tallmadge_

Ben addressed the letter to a John Bolton. He understood the cover was not for his or Caleb’s sake, but for Sam’s. He would probably throw a letter from Caleb away. Sam made no mentions that he had received any letter from Caleb, so Ben didn’t bring his up. It was a special private moment between him and Caleb. He was still upset with Caleb, and that would never really go away, but he had the power to forgive, and he had it in him to let Caleb back into his life.

As he pushed the letter into the mailbox at the post office, Ben hoped Caleb would write back. This couldn’t be the last time he heard from Caleb Brewster.

It was not the last he heard from Caleb. Nor was it the last Caleb heard from Ben. Ben and Caleb spent a good part of their time over the summer writing letters back and forth to one another. The first letter Caleb sent back had a package of glitter in it. He said it was his secret magic, as requested. Ben put it on his nightstand. Caleb requested, in return, Ben’s magic for academics, claiming he might need it someday. Ben sent him a letter with a small package of purple powder.

Every letter they sent discussed their lives and their problems and everything in between. They could have just called, but there was something remarkable about sending letters to one another; something secret and spectacular that they couldn’t let go of.

Ben realized, as he read a particularly interesting story Caleb was recanting about his trip to a Natural Science Museum, that a part of his heart was still with Caleb Brewster. These letters, the many that were filling Ben’s desk drawers, were from the Caleb that Ben cared about. They were from the heart. They were playful, and wonderful, and he wished more than ever that he could will himself to pick up the phone and just tell him how he felt. And yet, that hadn’t worked before, and it wouldn’t work now.

But for now, for this moment, these letters could be enough.


	2. Sophomore

1

The summer months had rolled past as Ben exchanged letters with Caleb. The letters grew less frequent as the school year crept closer. Sam was ready to leave for school on August 20th, just several days shy of when Ben would resume high school.

Sam had bought his own car over the break, an electric car that he had taken to calling Alice. She suited Sam, in her dark green glory. Ben said so when he'd bought it, and again when they were finishing packing it up the night before Sam was to leave.

"Because she's small and efficient?" Sam joked.

"Because she means you care," Ben answered, running his hand along the side of the car as he made his way to the passenger's seat window. Sam seemed to pause at the comment, smiling while he moved to stand beside Ben so they could admire the fully packed car in the porch light. Totes and boxes pressed up against all the windows, jammed close together to make sure everything fit. Sam was taking enough to move into a new house, let alone a dorm room. He had a mini-fridge that wasn't quite as mini as it could have been, a microwave that cooked a little too fast, and a plastic set of drawers for extra storage, the draws already full to the brim with knick-knacks and other necessities.

It felt lonely, standing there looking at the car, despite the fact that Sam was standing there beside him. It was like looking to the future while lingering in the past.

"It's just me now, I guess," Ben mumbled.

"Hey, listen," Sam said, taking Ben by the shoulders and looking him in the eyes. "I'm only an hour away. I'm only a second away by phone call. You can text me whenever you want. Things are going to be different, but that doesn't mean things are going to be bad. Things change, Ben, but we'll be OK."

Ben nodded, and Sam grinned, but neither of them was entirely satisfied with what had been said. It would be bad for a little while, not just different, but they would adjust and they would get used to the new normal.

They spent the night watching movies and recanting tales, most of which included Caleb, but they didn't mind talking about him anymore. He was a part of their life, and they could acknowledge that. Ben still didn’t mention the letters he had been sending. It wasn’t out of fear that Sam would ban him from writing to Caleb, or that Sam would be upset, but rather that despite Sam being able to discuss Caleb in conversation, he wasn’t ready to accept him completely back into their lives. As far as Ben could tell, Sam was more hurt by what had happened than Ben was, which was fair given that Caleb and Sam had been friends for so long.

As the night poured on, they laughed, and smiled, and enjoyed the last precious moments of each other’s undivided company. The next morning was bright and warm and sun-filled, but Ben and Sam both felt under the weather. No one ever teaches how to move on.

There was a long hug, a short good-bye, and suddenly Ben was alone in the driveway, watching his brother disappear down the street. Ben didn't stay outside long after that. He wanted to stand in the driveway instead of going into the empty house, but he went inside anyway and picked up his latest, unopened letter from Caleb.

_Ben,_

_I finally got that job! I'm gonna be working at the YMCA as a lifeguard. I'll mostly be watching aquasize classes and family swim, but I'll actually start making some money! It’s a part-time job, of course, because life is cruel, but it’s money so I can’t complain._

_Sam's going off to college soon I bet. I wish him the best of luck, not that he'll need it. He has you to call if he gets stuck on a homework assignment!_

_Enjoy your Sophomore year! It's gonna fly by!_

_Yours Truly,_

_Caleb_

The Y Caleb had been trying to get a job at was just up the street from Ben. Sam and Caleb used to work out together every once in a while. Sam had stopped going, but Caleb went pretty regularly, then he started going even more often as he hunted for a job that would be secure for longer than just over the summer. He had found success in a Lifeguarding Course that was offered. He coughed up three hundred dollars to take the class and get his certification so he could apply for a position. He wanted full-time, but seeing as the Y only offered part-time for first-time hire’s he had to be satisfied with that. Caleb had explained all of this in elaborate detail in his letters, all of which were still stuffed in Ben’s draw. It didn’t shut anymore, so Ben was forced to leave it open as he stacked the letters up.

Ben had been to the YMCA only a handful of times. He accompanied Sam there once when Caleb wasn’t available to be his workout buddy. What Ben discovered while he was there was that he was an awful workout partner. He spent too much time talking and distracting Sam so nothing actually got done. It was a good time, but not the kind that Sam had been expecting. Ben was really more a cross country runner than a gym kind of person. And yet, the promise of Caleb working just up the street was almost temptation enough learn to lift weights.

2

School was well into its first month by the time Ben began making any attempts to see Caleb. The summer heat had dispersed as quickly as it had come and everyone was buckling down into their academics. It was at that intrepid time of year when everything began to pick up again after the haze of summertime. People were juggling school, extracurriculars, work, and their social life. Ben had found himself, this year, to be one of those people. He was taking AP United States History, AP Biology and other advanced courses that were crushing him homework-wise; he had several fliers tacked to his wall for soccer tryouts, desperate to fill in his resume as much as possible; he had begun volunteering in the Children’s Room of his local library. He only worked one day a week for 4 hours, and all he did was shelve, pull, and sort books, but he liked the routine of it all. The only part Ben was missing was the social aspect. With Sam gone Ben was not likely to be invited to any parties, and he still hadn’t made any official friends. For sure, there were people he talked to at school, but those were more acquaintances than friends. They had their own circles and customs that Ben just couldn’t connect with on any personal level. In light of that, Ben began to take jogs around town, making specific laps around the YMCA.

Ben could have gone in. He had a One-Time Day Pass stuffed somewhere in his room that he could use to go search for Caleb, but Ben wasn’t sure he was actually ready to see Caleb again. It had been so many months. Maybe it had been too many. So instead he just ran around the Y, waiting for fate to play a hand.

“Ben?” A voice from somewhere ahead of him said his name like a question. Dark storm clouds surrounded the Y, making everything appear darker than it should have been at 6:00. Ben had actually been pushing himself this time while he ran, what with soccer tryouts coming up on Friday, so he was hot and sweat covered and not at all the way he wanted to appear when he became reacquainted with Caleb Brewster.

“Hello,” Ben responded stupidly, stopping where he was. The back of the Y was deserted, save for the two of them, and though Caleb was a few feet away it felt more like miles. Ben was tempted to shout anything he said to make up for the great distance he felt between them.

“You’re taller,” Caleb said, moving closer to Ben. That was unexpected. Ben had anticipated there to be an air of awkwardness, a long pause of silence. The scenario he had created in his head did not calculate for Caleb’s magic.

“You’re not,” Ben said. Caleb laughed.

“That’s true. You must be almost taller than I am now.”

“I think so.”

“So you run now?”

“I- Yes.” Caleb had moved closer to Ben and seemed to be making small talk as he compared their heights. Ben was just slightly taller than Caleb.

“You gonna go out for track?”

“Maybe cross country.”

“Ah, right, track isn’t pretentious enough!” Caleb said, dodging a swat from Ben. “Alright, lemme guess, you’re going out for soccer too?” There was another swat and then both of them were laughing.

It was exhilarating for both of them. They had fallen back into old patterns so fast it was almost a miracle. They talked and talked and talked in the dark back of the Y for an hour, discussing school and work, elaborating on any parts of their letters to one another that hadn’t come across smooth enough in the transition from words to paper.

“She actually yelled at you?”

“Yes!” Caleb all but shrieked, waving his hands wildly as he spoke. “She screamed that I had “no control over the pool” because some kids splashed her when they jumped into the water, as if she wasn’t the one who had swum into the jumping area! Just wait until you actually start working. The people are a nightmare, but God they make for great party stories!”

“What, is what I do at the library not working?” Ben mocked, exasperated. He sounded like his brother.

“That’s volunteering. It doesn’t count.”

“Excuse me? The dictionary definition of ‘work’ is-”

“Oh no, you’re turning into one of ‘those people’ who quote the dictionary?”

“I’m just saying-”

“It’s still not work until you get that sweet paycheck,” Caleb sighed, shaking his head. Ben knocked his shoulder into Caleb’s and they laughed for a moment.

“Wanna smoke?” Caleb asked all of a sudden, gesturing to his bag. Ben furrowed his eyebrows and looked Caleb dead in the eyes.

“We’re in the back of a YMCA and I have soccer tryouts on Friday.”

“I haven’t heard a ‘no’ yet,” Caleb taunted, reaching into his backpack, and he was right. Ben hadn’t said no, and he wasn’t going to, and both of them knew that.

“You brought weed to work?” Ben sounded like a disapproving father. “How does no one smell it?”

“Ah, that’s the beauty of an e-cig,” Caleb proclaimed, pulling out a Ziploc bag from the very bottom of his backpack. “It gets rid of some of that nasty smell and I feel like a posh fuck when I use it.”

“That’s quite the endorsement.”

“I know! They should hire me as a spokesman!”

Within minutes Ben and Caleb had both taken a few drags and were starting climb up to a high. They argued some more about the definition of ‘work’ and whether Ben was qualified to complain about his job to the same degree as Caleb.

“She just left the kid with me, and she told the kid, _not me_ , that _I_ would look after him while she was in the Adult Non-Fiction center!” Ben said, louder than he meant to, finishing the end of a tale that both of them were laughing too hard at.

“Well, did you watch him?”

“No! I just left him by the shelf and walked away!” Caleb and Ben were rolling with laughter, imagining the look on the suburban-esque mother’s face when she found her precious child unattended.

“She must have been piss- Fuck!” Caleb grabbed Ben by the shoulder and pulled him behind the dumpster they were sitting in front of. Ben started to argue, but Caleb clapped his hand over his mouth and pointed to the flashing lights.

A cop car had pulled into the backlot of the Y and was using a flashlight to search the perimeters. Either he made this check daily, or someone had seen the two of them and called in a complaint. Neither option mattered as Caleb and Ben crept around the dumpster to avoid getting found. Both of them were far too high to even think about pretending to be anything else, so their only option was to hide.

As the cop moved around the dumpster, Ben and Caleb moved in the same direction, as quiet as possible, avoiding his flashlight just barely every time they turned a corner. It was like all three of them were a working machine, destined for their pieces to never meet.

It must have been only a few minutes, but it felt like hours before the cop grumbled and got back into his car to drive off. The minute he left Caleb and Ben fell over one another with laughter.

They couldn’t stop long enough to say anything, breathing in air in gasps as they tried to pull themselves together.

“That’s the stupidest cop ever!” Caleb finally got out. “I can’t believe that actually worked! I was sure we were goners, Bennyboy!”

“I feel like I was just in a Looney Tune episode!”

“Wascally Wabbit” Caleb wheezed.

Eventually their laughter died, but their smiled didn’t as they slowly started to pack up their things to head back to their homes.

“You sure you’re good to run back?” Caleb asked, loading his backpack into his car.

“Yeah, it’s only a few blocks, and I think I need the exercise. I’m gonna eat the whole house when I get home, though!”

“Same!” Caleb cried as he climbed into his car. “Take care, Benny!”

“You too, Caleb! Be careful!” Ben called, waving to Caleb as he pulled out of the lot. Ben didn’t stop smiling the rest of the evening.

3

Ben finally understood why Caleb and Sam had made such a big deal out of having paying jobs when he pulled together some of his savings to pay for a YMCA membership. It was expensive and excessive, but Ben tried to justify it to himself by arguing that it was not just so he could see Caleb, but so he could train to be a better soccer player. Tryout had happened weeks ago and Ben was ecstatic to be part of the team. Unfortunately, Bradford had been accepted as well and he didn’t seem to understand the concept of teamwork as well as he could have. He and his cronies had made it their mission to make Ben feel as unwelcome as possible. They had succeeded, but only just. His other teammates were pleasant and agreeable, and they seemed to appreciate that Ben really was one of the best players on the team. He figured he owed it to them to get in shape by going to the Y. He had been told swimming was exceptionally beneficial to one’s health.

He felt out of place when he walked into the Y. Everyone had a purpose and Ben felt like a child pretending to be an adult. He had had Sam with him before. Now he had no one. Still, if Ben had learned how to do anything from his freshman year, it was how to hold his head up.

Ben was tempted to go straight for the pool, but ended up deciding to use the treadmill first. He thought it might be just too straightforward to go to the pool, but if he worked out and got warm enough, it would seem logical. He didn’t like the treadmill that much. It felt unnatural to run on a moving mat instead of the ground. He liked the wind to be in his face and the air to smell of the trees and flowers he passed, not of twenty other people’s sweat. He ran for almost an hour, until his body was exhausted and aching.

Slick sweat dripped off him as he crossed the hallway from the Fitness room to the locker room. Through the door was a series of lockers, a small sauna that never seemed to be working, and a large black door labels Pool. Ben quickly got changed from his workout clothes into his bathing suit and went for the door.

He paused for a moment at the door, briefly toying with the idea that Caleb might not be working on this particular day. He additionally considered whether he would prefer that. In the end he decided it didn't matter, and walked through the door.

The heat was unbearable to the point where Ben immediately got into the water. He hadn't checked the schedule for today, not realizing he had to, but it looked like the first two lanes were open swim with the remaining four lanes being roped off for lap swimmers. Only three of the four were currently in use, but Ben decided he was too exhausted to embarrass himself by attempting to do laps and remained in the open swim lane. Other than the lap swimmers there was one family, a mother and two children, splashing about in the water. Neither child looked like they could swim very well and the mother didn't seem to care too much as she floated on a noodle while checking her phone. This might be why one of the two lifeguards on duty were hovering over the shallow end of the pool.

The guard standing over the water was a tall, blond man who was wearing a tank top that barely covered his excess of muscles. The second guard, who was on the stand between the shallow and deep end, was a short girl with long brown hair who was vigorously chewing a piece of her brown hair.

As far as Ben could tell, Caleb was not here, so he decided to simply swim around a little to cool down, then leave and come back again tomorrow to see if Caleb was on then. He was just about to get out when the door to the men's room banged open.

"Stay whelmed everyone, I'm here!" Caleb said rather loudly as he strutted over to the stand, apparently there to relieve the brunette girl of her position. In the light of the pool Caleb looked incredible. He was wearing a tank top, much like the other guard, but his had definitely started out as a T-shirt and was cut appropriately, or inappropriately in this case. His slightly too-long hair was tied up in a short ponytail that framed his face better than it should have. He looked glorious. As the other guard climbed down she handed him the guard tube with one hand and delivered a high five to him with the other.

"Only 4 minutes late today, Caleb," she said, unclipping her fanny pack to give over. "This must be a record!"

"I'll call Guinness on my break!" Caleb had taken the pack and was climbing onto the stand when he noticed Ben sitting on the pool stairs.

"Benny!" He called over the pool. "I haven't seen you swim since we stole that kiddy pool from outside Goodwill!"

There was a snort and a chuckle from the blond guard beside Ben. Caleb's eyebrows jumped up as he waved over to the other guard.

"Lookin' hot today, Kennth!" he shouted with no regard for everyone else in the pool at the moment.

"All day, ev'rday!" Kenneth called back, standing up taller and flexing his arms over the guard tube he was holding. Ben felt, all at once, a hot searing heat of envy cut through him. Kenneth seemed to be sashaying back and forth along the shallow side, smiling tremendously as he watched Caleb more than the pool. Ben wanted to hate him, but he couldn't blame Caleb or Kenneth for being interested in one another.

"So what brings you to my pool?" Caleb asked. It took a moment for Ben to realize that Caleb was talking to him.

"I was on the treadmill and just came to cool down," he responded, padding around in the water under Caleb's stand. Caleb’s eyes followed Kenneth as Ben talked, but he nodded like he was listening.

“Getting in shape for soccer season?”

“I guess so,” Ben said, his eyes now also following Kenneth, who had decided it was somehow necessary to bite his lip while he paced. Caleb didn’t seem to mind, but Ben found it absurdly unprofessional for both of them to be so abashedly flirting while on the job. That wasn’t entirely why he was upset, but he was certainly worried about the two small children in the water who were being forgotten about.

“You made the team then,” Caleb said absentmindedly.

“Mhm,” Ben hummed. “Bradford did too, though.”

“Bradford? He’s the asshole you hated last year, right?”

“That would be him.”

“Remind me why you hate him,” Caleb said. He was now disregarding all protocol, with his legs swung over the railing of the stand as he lounged on the chair, his eyes darting between Ben and Kenneth.

“He constantly argues with me, he never lets me finish what I’m saying without interrupting, he laughs at everything I say-”

“And you’re a saint to him, of course!”

“Alright, fine, I’m not the most agreeable person towards him, but he started it!”

“Right.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Ben asked, suddenly offended.

“I’m just saying, you don’t really try too hard to get along with people, that's all.”

Ben pondered this as he treaded water. He knew he wasn’t superb or even skilled in the art of making friends and influencing people, but he didn’t consider himself completely socially inept. Caleb didn’t contribute anymore to the conversation, and neither did Ben, so Ben padded back to the staircase and said his good-bye’s.

The day wasn’t a total success, but it wasn’t a complete failure either. He's gotten to see Caleb, though he had also gotten to see Caleb’s latest object of infatuation. Ben told himself that he was visiting Caleb just to repair their friendship, but even still, it stung to see him side-eyeing his fellow lifeguard. Ben couldn’t understand what Kenneth had to offer that he didn't.

Despite making the decision to wait a while before returning, Ben was back at the Y the next day. And the next, and the next. By the end of the week, through constant visits and a few passive glances at the posted Lifeguard Schedule in the back of the pool area, he had Caleb’s schedule down pat. Caleb opened the pool at 7:00am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays then worked 6 hours until 1:00pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays he worked 4:00pm until close at 10:00pm. Sundays he worked only 5 hours, from noon to 5:00pm and he had Saturdays off. This schedule meant Ben could only see Caleb on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sundays, but Caleb was constantly covering other people’s shifts, so he ended up seeing him more often than that.

Ben got used to the pattern of working out after school then going for a swim. He was awful at swimming, so he usually just floated in the open swim area, but Caleb seemed to notice that, and on his break one day he took it upon himself to join Ben in the water.

“You ready to swim some laps!” He said, rather than asked, as he threw off his guard shirt and dove into the water.

“What?”

“Laps. You and me.”

“I don’t- I mean-”

“If you can learn to smoke weed, you can learn to swim!” Caleb announced louder than Ben would have liked.

“I fail to see how the two are connected.”

“They're not, so let's get started. Go to the lane farthest from the guard stand, the one by the wall. I like that one the best.”

“Why?” Ben asked while he half swam, half walked over the lane dividers to get to the furthest one.

“Well, for one thing, it’s got a wall, in case you go down-”

“Gee, thanks for the confidence.”

“You’re welcome. Second of all, everyone knows the possessor of the furthest lane is the envy of the pool.”

“But why?”

“No one knows,” Caleb said ominously when they arrived at the lane. “But if you watch, every lap swimmer who comes in here is gonna look to this lane first, see it’s occupied, and die a little inside before choosing another lane.”

Ben didn’t believe him, but as Caleb began detailing how to streamline properly - a concept Ben had never even heard of nor considered important – a swimmer dressed in a cap and googles, obviously ready for lap swimming came in and looked just slightly forlorn to see the far lane occupied. Caleb almost took Ben’s arm off when he clapped it, exclaiming:

“I told you!”

“And they all do that?”

“Yup. All of ‘em.”

“Adults are weird.”

“Hey, watch it, I’m half adult now.”

“No you’re not. You’re just Caleb.”

Caleb seemed unsure how to respond to that, so he shrugged it off, like he always did anytime he didn’t understand something, and went back to helping Ben learn how to swim.

Ben’s form was awful. His body had muscle on it, which Caleb said was causing him to sink rather than float. He also, apparently, relied too much on his legs and didn’t focus enough on his arms. As Caleb instructed, he was forced to touch Ben’s arms and legs at certain points to correct his posture, but he seemed tentative about it. He took pause and only touched lightly if it couldn’t be avoided altogether. It was the first time since their reacquaintance where Caleb seemed to recognize the disconnect between them after what had happened.

They were only in the water together for thirty minutes, as long as Caleb’s break, and they hadn’t made much progress, but Caleb promised he would help Ben out as often as he could when he came to visit.

“That’s nice, but you really don’t have to,” Ben said before he left. “I’m on the soccer team, not the swim team.”

“Yeah, but it can’t help to learn,” Caleb responded. That was the only answer he offered, and it left Ben confused. But then, maybe Caleb wanted to repair this bond as much as Ben did.

4

There began to be a pattern to Ben and Caleb’s interactions. Ben came every day and saw Caleb almost as often given how many hours he was covering, but on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays Caleb would get in the water during his half-hour break to help Ben swim. Ben had mastered streamlining, but he couldn’t do a kickflip to save his life and he still didn’t pull his arms out of the water enough to move with any kind of speed or grace. He looked rather like a cat in a tub, as far as he could tell. Caleb said he didn’t, but Caleb was the one who was teaching him, and you can’t insult your own students, so his word counted for nothing.

“You’re still too dependent on your legs, but your form is looking so much nicer!” Caleb said as he got out of the water.

“Not nearly as good as it should be, and not even close to as good as yours,” Ben added.

“No one’s form is as good as Caleb’s,” Kenneth said. Caleb winked at the remark, then threw his chopped guard shirt back on to resume his work. Ben had gotten used to Kenneth being on the deck every Tuesday with Caleb. The two flirted loudly and obviously, but Kenneth seemed to be waning a little in his advances. He didn’t strut as much or bit his lip, though he still made flirtatious comments. Ben supposed he was just tired of waiting for something more to happen, like the rest of Caleb’s objects of temporary affection.

“Hey, did I see that you have a game coming up?” Caleb called out just before Ben left. Ben swiveled around to look back at the stand.

“Oh, yeah, the Turkey Day game. It’s a home game against the Queen’s Rangers,” Ben explained. “I’m playing as a full-back.”

“Good to know! I’ll look out for you in the audience!”

“You’re coming?”

“Sure!” Caleb cried with enthusiasm “About time I saw how much this Y membership has improved your game.”

Ben grinned all the way home. No one had been coming to see his games. Sam had made efforts to attend, but he kept having scheduling conflicts, and while Ben understood, it was still upsetting to have no one to congratulate or console him post-game. But this time Caleb would be there. Everyone in school, besides the freshman, would remember Caleb. Ben wasn’t conceited, but he was pleased by the fact that Caleb would tell everyone that he was there to see Ben Tallmadge.

The day of the game was a cooler day than it had been in months. The air was windless, but chilled, the beginnings of winter poking through. The whole team was on edge. The Setauket Snakes and Queen’s Rangers had a long standing soccer rivalry. Every Thanksgiving for the last eighty-six years the two teams got together for a morning match that everyone in town came to see. Score had been kept for all of those eighty-six years, with the Queen’s Ranger’s holding the title with forty-three wins to the Setauket Snake’s forty-two. This game would either tie the two or put the Ranger’s two points ahead. Ben and Sam had gone together to see the game for as long as he could remember, but this time Sam wouldn’t get home from school until late in the afternoon, so it would just be Ben and Caleb for the entirety of the game. Caleb had never gone, always preferring to play in sports rather than watch them, so Ben was particularly pleased that Caleb had decided to come and watch.

The match was long, and grueling. According to rumor among Ben’s teammates, the Queen’s Ranger’s captain and vice-captain, a John Simcoe and Robert Rogers respectively, had been neck-and-neck for who would be elected captain that year and ended up starting an awful rivalry on the team, with people taking sides. In the end Simcoe won the title, but there was too much division in the team already. Even still, they were a mean group of players. Apparently Rogers and Simcoe thought that the best way to show one another up was to take down as many Snakes as they could. It was a wholly unpleasant experience to witness. Additionally challenging was Ben’s own divisions within the team. Bradford and his merry band of goons had taken it upon themselves to smack talk Ben into playing to their expectations.

“Pull it together Ben! You’ve almost let two Rangers cross already!” Bradford shouted obscenely loud during half-time.

“Accent on almost,” Ben said, feeling heat rise to his face. “But they didn’t. Move on, Bradford. If you could stay focused on your job instead of on mine maybe the ball wouldn’t keep getting past the defensive line.”

“Both of you calm down,” Coach Washington said in his firm, soft voice. “This is not the time or the place. We’re 1 to 1 right now. We just need to score one more point and keep them from getting anymore. One more point.”

Washington continued to discuss strategy for the rest of the halftime, but Bradford was staring daggers at Ben the whole time. At the end his shoulder collided with Ben’s on the way back to the field.

“Don’t fuck this up,” he hissed as he crashed by.

Ben couldn’t think of anything to say back fast enough, so he sighed angrily and went back to his position. Just one more point.

The next twenty minutes were as exhausting as the first, but a light drizzle had begun to fall, causing a great deal of shivering in the stands and on the field. The rain didn’t help anyone’s performance, with each team constantly almost scoring a point before a sloppy error kept them away from the goal. Only in the last two minutes did anything of intrigue occur.

The ball ended up behind the defensive line, again, thanks to Bradford’s sloppy footwork, and Simcoe was in control of the ball. Ben had taken on opponents who were bigger than him and had been successful, owing mostly to his superior technique, but Simcoe looked like he was ready to murder whoever stood in front of him. His pure rage and glory hounding helped him push past anyone who was standing in his way until the last line of defense before the goalie was just Ben. Ben was preparing to go into full one-on-one defensive mode when the absolutely impossible happened. The ground underneath Ben’s cleat all at once felt too wet and too slick and before he could stop himself his whole body was crashing down on the rain-drenched floor. His head knocked the ground just hard enough to hurt as his body slid on the grass right next to where Simcoe took a final shot into the goal.

There was an uproar from the crowd. The Queen’s Rangers were the winners with three seconds left on the clock.

Washington and a few of the other gym coaches who were at the match went over to the still fallen Ben to see if he was alright, and a few of his teammates came to check, but most of them stayed away. They knew it wasn’t entirely Ben’s fault, after all, Simcoe had gotten past all of them too, but it was such a stupid mistake to trip and fall that they could feel pleased at having someone to blame for everyone’s failure. The coaches asked Ben a few questions as they helped him to his feet and the school nurse did a concussion test to make certain he was fine as the crowds began to disperse. The game was over, the rain was getting harder, and everyone had their Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for, so one by one, everyone left. Everyone except for Bradford.

“I told you not to fuck it up, Tallmadge!” He said as they made their way to the locker rooms. The other teammates had already gone in while Ben was receiving a clean bill of health from the school nurse and his coach. Bradford had apparently hung around.

“I told you to do your job instead of worrying about mine. I wasn’t the one who just _let_ Simcoe past the defensive line.”

“I wasn’t the one who fell on my ass and let Simcoe score the winning goal.” Ben and Bradford were getting closer to one another. Ben felt hot and embarrassed, with a killer headache, and he just wanted to get changed and go home, but he couldn’t back down from this fight, so he kept inching closer and closer.

“I noticed you didn’t have to. You were standing right in front of him and he still got through!”

Ben would have noticed if Bradford had raised his hand to punch him, but he didn’t expect Bradford to immediately kick Ben out from the legs. His whole body flipped over for the second time that day as he landed on his back in front of Bradford.

“Maybe it’s time someone put you in your place, Tallmadge!” Bradford said as he positioned himself to be sitting on Ben’s chest with his legs pining down Ben’s arms. As he said it he raised a fist that came crashing into the side of Ben’s face. He got two punches in before Ben managed to use his arm strength to flip Bradford off of him. Ben gave Bradford one kick to the ribs and one to the shoulder as he tried to prop himself back up with his arms. He was unsuccessful, however, as Bradford, who had gotten his footing fast enough to stand, gave Ben a solid kick to the stomach, sending Ben back onto his back. Bradford’s foot was poised to smash down on Ben’s face when he somehow lost his balance and flipped backwards at an alarming rate. It took Ben a moment to realize that Bradford had not fallen, but had instead been flung back by a particularly angry looking Caleb Brewster. Bradford almost, _almost_ , raised his fists to fight Caleb, but thought better of it and went running off the field towards a car that was ready to drive him home, likely full of his friends from the team who were avidly watching the whole event from the safety of the car.

“Hey, hey, Ben, are you alright?” Caleb asked, kneeling down beside Ben to try and help him up. He could have just offered a hand, Ben supposed, but he instead dropped his hands to Ben’s shoulders to prop him up until he was at least sitting up.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. He’s just-”

“An asshole, yeah, I noticed.” Caleb sounded even angrier than he looked. Ben wasn’t sure why until Caleb got him to the car and he saw his reflection. His face was covered in blood, a mixture of his wounds and the rain that made it impossible to discern where the wound actually was and where the blood had just been smeared to. Caleb kept asking Ben questions on the way home to test his responsiveness and when they arrived at Ben’s house they both went in together.

Caleb sat Ben down in the spare guest room, the closest room to the front door, as he went off to get supplies to clean up Ben’s face. He still remembered where everything was from all the time he used to spend there. When he came back he brought Sam’s pre-assembled First Aid kit, some fresh clothes, and a towel. Caleb gave Ben a minute to get changed before he sat down on the bed beside him and began to clean up the diluted blood from Ben’s face.

“It’s my own fault,” Ben muttered as Caleb tended to him. “I was one foot away from him and I fell like an idiot.”

“It’s not your fault. It was wet and raining and that guy looked like he would’ve kicked you to the ground anyway.”

“A yellow card would have been better than slipping.”

“Will you relax? It was an accident. This is high school soccer, not FIFA. And no matter what happened, cockfuck didn’t have any reason to beat you. You looked like you were in bad enough shape from that fall-”

“His name is Bradford.”

“His name is cockfuck, now stop talking, you’re messing up your face even worse.”

“You’re the one talking to me!”

“No, I’m talking out loud, that doesn’t mean I need or want a response.”

It was silent for a short while after that as Caleb gently prodded and swiped at Ben’s face. His lifeguard training had apparently been worth what he paid for it as he administered just the right kind of care for each of Ben’s new injuries. He put an ice pack on the leg Bradford had kicked, liquid skin and a Band-Aid on the side of face which had split from the impact of Bradford’s fist, and his gentle hands carefully cleaned the rest of his facial bruising.

It was nice to sit there and be tended to by Caleb. His hands were leaving trails of pins-and-needles where they touched and Ben liked that almost as much as he used to. There was still a wall between the two of them, made obvious by the fact that Caleb didn’t have Ben lift his shirt to check out his stomach after Bradford’s kick. They were alone, in a house, on a bed, and Caleb seemed adamant to keep the whole event as platonic as possible.

“Listen,” Caleb said once he had finished taking care of all he cared to, “if he ever touches you again, you let me know, and I’ll break his arms off.” He sounded genuine.

“I’ll let him know,” Ben said, and he meant it. He had every intention of informing Bradford that Caleb was on call at all times for limb removal. It was pretty much a given that Ben wouldn’t be reporting the incident to anyone. You did that in movies and TV shows. In real life you just dealt with it.

“Alright, I think you’re all set.” Caleb had thrown his coat back on and was headed towards the door. “You take care of yourself, alright?”

“I’ll try.”

“You better.”

“Happy Thanksgiving, Caleb.”

“Same to you. Have fun with Sammy.”

“Should I tell him you said hi?”

“Better not,” Caleb said, and then he was gone into the rainstorm just minutes before Sam pulled into the driveway. Fate was funny like that.

5

Sam was livid over Thanksgiving Break about what had happened to Ben. He’d made all kinds of plans to call up the school and do everything but execute Bradford, but Ben eventually calmed him down. While recanting the tale he cleverly worded his way around describing Caleb’s part in the whole business. Caleb had been clear in his farewell that he and Sam weren’t ready to know one another again.

Sam had only gotten a short weekend break for Thanksgiving, made shorter by Sam’s many trips to food hostels and soup kitchens to help everyone get the Thanksgiving meal they deserved. Ben tagged along with him to each one, helping as much as he could. They had gotten back late that night and were too exhausted the next day to do anything but lounge around the house. Sam promised when he left again that winter break would grant them more time to spend with one another. Even still, Ben could feel an evolution in their relationship. Sam had a new life that was separate from Ben’s. While he had always had a glowing social life in high school that Ben wasn’t part of, this was a different kind of distant; a kind that Ben had no insight to at all.

Winter winds brought a chill from the north that spread to cover all of New England. Every channel complained of how cold this winter was going to be, but Ben didn’t care at all. The cold meant winter break, and a month of him and Sam. It would be strange to celebrate this Christmas without Caleb’s overwhelming presence. Caleb used to come over every year to help decorate. Ben and Sam never went all out on the outside of the house, but the inside was always an organized disaster of tasteful and tasteless Christmas ornamentations. They had a full supply of dirty Christmas ornaments that Caleb had been collecting for them to make up for Sam’s collection of thirty-six nativity scenes that were put on any surface around the house. Caleb had always paid special attention to helping Ben create the new Tree Topper each year, providing him with an excess of materials. Each year the old Tree Topper, whatever it happened to be, was laid to rest in a mock funeral before Ben began to create a new one. Each had a theme to it, though none of the themes matched. One Topper from five years past had a flower theme to it, while the one from last year was pertaining to the Flavia de Luce Mysteries book series which Ben had become particularly enamored with. When he made it Caleb would lie on the couch or in a chair and just watch Ben’s crafting hands assemble a masterpiece Tree Topper out of paper and scraps. Ben would blush when Caleb commented every so often on how well Ben was doing and how exceptional he was at everything he tried. He would miss that this year.

“You decide what your theme is yet?” Sam asked as they hauled the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the upstairs crawlspace. It was a pain in the neck to get the boxes out every year, particularly the long box containing the fake Christmas tree, which had never fit properly in the crawlspace but they never thought to put it anywhere else.

“I’ve narrowed it down to a couple of choices,” Ben said, breathing heavily while he and Sam carried one of the many totes down the staircase. “But I’ve not settled on anything yet.”

“Well, you’ve got a couple of weeks at least to play with, so I expect greatness!” Sam said encouragingly. When the boxes were placed down in the living room Sam went over to Ben and did a quick check to see how his face was healing. The fight had been weeks ago but the nasty cut on his cheek had stayed around for longer than Sam was comfortable with.

“It’s fine, Sam,” Ben said, waving Sam away with his hand. “It’s in the same condition as it was when you checked earlier today.”

“You say that now, but you’re exerting yourself a lot with these boxes and that cut should have gotten stitches to begin with.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Ben remarked casually. Sam huffed and Ben smiled and the two went back to carrying boxes, though Sam made frequent commentary on how Ben should have also seen a doctor for the kick he received to the stomach. All in all though, it was a pleasant afternoon that melted into a pleasant evening and a generally enjoyable week.

Ben didn’t go to the YMCA at all during the days leading up to Christmas, even though he knew Caleb would be there almost every day thanks to all the Holiday Break hours he had picked up for the season. He was covering a lot of shifts as well, as everyone, including Kenneth, left work to go and visit family. Ben wondered if Caleb missed his frequent visits, or if he was glad to get some time away from Ben. Spending a few weeks away made Ben realize how overbearing he felt he was being. He had improved his skills through his constant workouts, but Caleb had his own life that was separate from Ben’s, in the same way as Sam. That left Ben somewhere in between worlds, as his revolved around the two people he loved most, but who were growing more distant than he would have wished.

“The theme is Stars,” Ben announced, already seated on the living room floor by the tree, surrounded by a plethora of crafting equipment.

“I believe a star is already the norm, Ben” Sam said sarcastically.

“Not _a star_ but _stars_. It’ll be a Concentration of the Constellations.”

Glitter glue, glow-in-the-dark stars, black construction paper, and white fabric paint bottles were some of the many astrological oriented items that Ben had assembled for his project. He knew Stars wasn’t as original idea as Ben could have come up with, but at the moment the stars were his current fascination. It was comforting to know that, despite there being millions and millions of stars, all of them had names and purpose and people who looked up to them at night to wish for silly things. Every star belonged in the sky.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sam said, leaning over Ben’s shoulder to take a look at his progress. “I think there was leftover bottle of glow-in-the-dark puff paint from last Halloween that got put in your room. Let me see if I can find it. If it’s even still good at this point!”

He was so caught up in his own project that he didn’t think anything of Sam going through all of the drawers in his room. Puff paint seemed like a fantastic idea, after all, but after a few minutes Sam stumbled into the room.

“Did you find…it…”

Sam was holding a handful of letters. He was holding Caleb’s letters.

His expression was hard to read. He looked like he did the night of that party last year. Not upset. Just confused.

“These are from Caleb,” he said. A rather pointless statement as Ben obviously knew who they were from.

“Yes,” Ben responded in an equally pointless manner. Sam obviously knew who they were from.

“And you wrote back to him, I suppose.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t… Ben, why are you writing to him?”

“Because I want to.” That was the plain truth of it. There was a better reason somewhere, but Ben couldn’t grasp it, so he went with the best answer available.

Sam looked at the letters, then Ben, the letters again. It was obvious he had only looked at one of them, probably by accident knowing Sam. He must have seen the signature and gotten curious. Ben chewed his lip as he waited for Sam to decide what he was going to say.

“Ben, just, come here and sit for a minute,” he said in that quiet way people did when they were about to have a serious conversation. Ben followed Sam to the sofa and sat down beside him.

“He was your best friend,” Ben said before Sam could say anything. Sam nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, he was. But he hurt you in a lot of different but equally bad ways.”

“I know-”

“And I know you love him.”

Ben paused.

“I watched you grow up around him. You’d hang on his every word and make every excuse to be around him. You’ve gone above and beyond what you should have had to in order to get his attention but Ben, he didn’t want you.”

Sam was so pointedly blunt that it hurt. Ben had gone as far as he could with Caleb, and he was still rejected. But, at the same time, Caleb was still a part of his life. Maybe they would never be anything more than what they were now, but it was Caleb who initially reached out to Ben, which had to count for something.

“He wrote to me first,” Ben said. “The first letter was an apology to me for everything that had happened. Maybe he doesn’t care about me the way I care about him, but he didn’t have to come back to me.”

Sam sighed, his hands flexing over the papers he was holding.

“He didn’t come back, Ben. He wrote an apology and you wrote back. You reached out, not him.”

“Why are you so against this?” Ben asked. He wasn’t angry, just trying to understand.

“If you thought I wouldn't be then you wouldn’t have hidden this from me.”

That was also true.

“Is it because you’re still upset with Caleb?”

“It's because I don’t want you to get hurt. Again. And yes, I am still upset with him. I can agree with that, at least. He was supposed to my friend and I told him not to do something and he went and did it anyway. He doesn’t know when to stop.”

Sam sounded like he was getting angrier as he spoke. Though Ben was the one who got hurt the most, Caleb had thrown away his lifelong friendship with Sam in the process and Sam had to deal with that somehow.

“Have you seen him?” Sam asked after his little rant.

“Yes,” Ben replied honestly. “He works at the Y.”

“I was wondering what motivated to go to the gym after all these years,” Sam said flippantly before reshuffling the letters and handing them back to Ben.

“If I told you not to do this, would you listen to me?” He asked quietly.

“Yes,” Ben said. “But I’d never be happy about it.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” He asked in a soft, defeated kind of tone.

“Yes.”

“Then I’m not going to stop you. Just, please, Ben, be careful. You were a mess last time and I just can’t do that again.”

“I know better now, Sam. I don’t expect anything more from this.*

“Yes you do,” Sam said knowingly. “But just this once I’m going to trust you with your own emotions. You do whatever you have to do to make this right with yourself and I’ll be here for you no matter what.”

Those were terms Ben could agree to, so he nodded and Sam ruffled Ben's hair the way he used to when they were kids.

“You’ve got so much growing left to do,” was all he said as he rose from his seat and headed towards the kitchen, leaving Ben alone with his letters. Did stars ever feel young when faced with the universe?

6

Christmas past without spoil and the twelve days of Christmas that led up to Epiphany were the best Ben had had in a while. Sam and he spent each day with new activities and engaging conversation. They didn’t talk about Caleb, and Ben didn’t go to see him at all. This time was meant to be spent with his brother. There would be time for other things later. But all the time they spent together just made it exceptionally painful to say good-bye again at the end of winter break. The first snowfall of the season occurred the day Sam left, with soft, fluffy flakes falling from the sky to the ground. They didn’t stick at all, but it made for a beautiful scenery as Sam drove away in his quaint green car.

School had resumed as usual and Ben was swamped with work once again. He had projects to work on and essays to write, all of which were much longer and harder than the ones he’d had freshman year. He had his first meeting with his guidance counselor about early preperations of college. Paper after paper of information went into The Yale Project. He was so busy with his schoolwork that he didn’t go to see Caleb until most of the winter had past, leading into a colder spring than usual, with frosty air making everyone’s breathe a visible cloud.

“Hey!” Caleb shouted when Ben arrived at the pool. It was more crowded than Ben had expected. He would have assumed that people would avoid going to the pool because it was so cold outside, but apparently the lack of being able to exercise outdoors had inspired the masses to show up at the YMCA pool.

“Hey!” Ben responded.

“I haven’t seen you here in a while! Let’s hope your body still knows how to swim after all this time!”

“It hasn’t been that long, Caleb,” Ben laughed, dropping his gear by the side of the pool. Caleb had insisted on him investing in some goggles, but he hadn’t been able to convince him to get a swim cap. He liked the way his hair felt in the water, and it wasn’t like he was going to be going for gold with his swimming.

He actually started the day doing laps, as opposed to his usual bopping about in the water. As he swam, however, he could feel Caleb’s eyes following him. He had to assume it was part of his method of dictating whether Ben had forgotten some of Caleb’s teaching over the break. When Caleb’s break rolled around he came over to Ben’s lane, but he just sat on the edge of the pool.

“You look like you’re doing a lot better,” he said once Ben stopped by him. “You’re kickflips are looking good.”

“Well, they’re getting better. Not quite good yet.”

“Still a lot better than when you started. I used to get worried that I’d have to actually get in the water to rescue you.”

“I wasn’t _that_ bad!”

“From where you were watching, I bet.”

Ben splashed Caleb then swam off before Caleb could retaliate. He did get him back, however, by using his lifeguard tube to smack Ben’s ass when he a kickflip. They went back and forth the rest of the day, laughing and fooling around with one another. Ben hadn’t meant to, but he ended up staying in the pool until close, so he and Caleb were leaving at the same time.

“Jesus, it’s freezing out!” Caleb announced when they made it out of the building. Snowflakes were falling at a rapid speed and the air was like ice. Ben shuddered at the prospect of having to walk all the way home in the current weather, but he shrugged and began the trek.

“I’ll see you later!” He shouted behind him before he felt someone grab his shoulder.

“You’re not gonna walk home in a snow storm! Come on, I’ll give you a ride,” Caleb said, leading Ben over to his car. Ben hadn’t been in the same car with Caleb in a long while, but he wasn’t about to argue as the snow picked up its pace.

Caleb actually waited a few minutes to turn on the heat, so the cold air didn’t blow into their faces, and Ben thought of him and Caleb and Sam on that day last year. That wasn’t a moment he imagined to be one of nostalgia, but it was locked in his memories, and it seemed more pleasant in hindsight than it had at the time.

There was a tension in the car that Ben hadn’t expected. Both of them were quiet, but restless as Caleb tried to navigate through the storm. Ben’s house wasn’t far, but the snow was making it hard to see the road, and even harder to drive. Suddenly Caleb reached a street that looked like it hadn’t been plowed since the snow had started and he was forced to pull over to wait for a plow to come by so they could get down the street to Ben’s house.

“Well, this is exciting,” Ben said sarcastically once Caleb officially stopped the car. His window wipers squeaked as they continued to brush snow off and Ben started counting the seconds in between swipes to amuse himself.

“I remember smoking in here with you last winter,” Caleb said at last, “when it was too cold to go outside. Just you and me.”

“I don’t really think about that anymore.” That was a lie. Ben thought about that day all the time. He thought about Caleb’s lips and his hands and how wonderful he had felt in that moment.

“Yeah you do, Benny.” Ben wasn’t a good liar, at least not to Caleb. They sat in silence again until Caleb made the choice to extend an offer to Ben.

“Do you wanna have sex?” he asked. Ben whipped his head to the side to look at Caleb.

“What?”

“We’re stuck in a car, it’s fucking freezing, and I’m in the mood,” he said almost nonchalantly, but something else was in his voice that Ben just couldn’t discern. He was looking at Ben funny. Ben felt like he was being tested. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. But I could use a good fuck, and as far as I remember you were pretty good.”

Ben could have said a lot of things right then. He could have gotten upset, or angry, or confused. He could have told Caleb off for being such an asshole with Ben’s emotions, but he didn’t do any of that. Instead he nodded his head and let Caleb grab the side of his face to kiss him with such vigor that Ben almost couldn’t keep up.

Caleb was rough with Ben’s mouth, more needy than Ben remembered.

“Backseat,” Caleb whispered before releasing Ben and getting out of the car. It took a second for Ben to understand before he too exited the car and headed for the side door. The moment he entered Caleb grabbed his waist and tugged him towards his body so he could effectively lower Ben onto the seat. It took some rearranging to get Ben into a completely vertical position on the backseat, specifically because neither person would release the others mouth so they had to feel around blindly.

By the time Ben was actually lying down Caleb had removed both of their shirts and was using his hands to work both of their pants. Ben was in sweats that slid right off, but Caleb had changed into jeans which took a little more maneuvering. Still, he seemed fairly experienced in the art of removing his pants while hovering over another body, so he was naked as soon as Ben was as well. Caleb didn’t immediately reach for the condom and lube that Ben knew was in the passenger seat back-pocket, but instead moved his mouth from Ben’s mouth to his neck, then his chest, then his abdomen, then he was all the way to Ben’s thighs. He licked up Ben’s inner thighs, just nearly avoiding anywhere that was too delicate, before finally deciding to go all the way and lick up the base of Ben’s cock. Ben’s hands shot away from his sides to grip the headrest of the seat with one hand and the passenger’s seatbelt with the other. Caleb went further, biting and sucking as Ben fidgeted beneath him. He hadn’t had sex with anyone since the last time he and Caleb were together, and while he wasn’t interested in sexual activity on the whole, this felt exceptional.

It wasn’t until Ben’s legs started to shake that Caleb moved his mouth back up to Ben’s mouth. Ben’s hands left where they had been virtually attached to the car to grip Caleb’s waist as both their hips moved against one another. Only then did Caleb grab the lube, but no condom this time, and this time he poured an amount on both Ben and himself before resuming grinding against Ben. The lube made it so much easier for their bodies to glide against one another and Caleb took advantage of that, lowering himself almost completely on top of Ben, picking up his pace to create even greater friction.

Everything was starting to get hazy as Ben kept tilting his head back further and further, somehow believing that he would find relief if he could just stretch his body enough. Caleb’s teeth were ravaging Ben’s neck, leaving marks where he was sucking and biting. Ben was getting frantic with his thrusts, and Caleb was as well. Caleb had his hands placed firmly on either side of Ben’s hips, aiding him in pressing their bodies together in a meaningful pattern. Caleb was gasping for air while moving his mouth up from Ben’s neck to his mouth, forcing Ben to sit up a little bit. Ben hadn’t meant to, but he ended up biting and worrying Caleb’s lips when they reached his mouth, but Caleb seemed far from minding as he groaned at the sensation.

There was a heat beginning at Ben’s waist and reaching outwards that Ben recognized from last time. It felt stronger this time though. He blamed his sobriety on how loud he was getting, short bursts of sound coming out of his mouth as he built and built until he let out a full shout when he came, his body arching just right against Caleb’s. Caleb’s orgasm came at almost the same time as Ben’s, his back bowing so much that he was nearly facing the roof of the car by the time he was finished.

They didn’t collapse into each other, like they had last time, but rather they remained in their same positions, breathing heavily while the fluid on their bodies became uncomfortable. When normal breathing resumed, Caleb pushed Ben’s legs so they swung over the edge of the seat and sat up in the far left part of the seat. He ran his hands through his hair and Ben couldn’t imagine someone looking more beautiful.

“I don’t understand,” Ben said. He didn’t have to specify what it was that confused him.

“Benny,” Caleb started, then stopped and didn’t continue.

“Why can’t you give this a chance?” Ben asked. “We could just try for a little while. You are interested in me. Why are you pretending you don’t feel something?”

“You’ve got this great big future ahead of you, Ben,” he said at last. “Don’t throw that all away for someone like me.”

“Like you?”

“Some people are meant to go to fancy schools and change the world, and some people are meant to work part time jobs for the rest of their lives. I don’t think you’ve ever known how much better you can do.”

It got cold in the car faster than Ben wanted it to, the sweat on his body cooling him to an uncomfortable temperature. Still, he continued to lie down and look up at Caleb, who was staring intently at the headrest of the driver’s seat.

“Maybe I don’t want what you think I do,” Ben said with bite.

“You don’t know what you want yet, Ben. You’re still too young to understand.”

“I’m only a few years younger than you, Caleb. I know more than you think.”

“Then we’re both too young,” he said.  “We’re going different directions in life, Ben. We might as well be strangers.”

Maybe belonging wasn’t something anyone fully felt. He always felt out of place when he was set in Caleb’s world, but it had never occurred to him that Caleb would feel the same when placed in Ben’s world. There were layers to the universe that couldn’t be seen until they were pointed out.

“Let’s go home,” Caleb said, shoving his pants on then climbing into the driver’s seat. A plow had come through sometime between them pulling over and now and the road was more or less clear of snow. In five minutes Ben was back at his place. He tried to think of something to say when he got out of the car, but he said nothing instead and just walked inside.

7

When Ben went back to the Y a week later Caleb was nowhere to be found. He had made the decision to convince Caleb of his worth, no matter what it took. If Ben was going anywhere grand with his life Caleb was coming with him. His brother was right. He did love him, and he would be damned if he ended up being a two-night-stand with Caleb Brewster simply because he felt undeserving of what Ben was offering.

Despite this resolve, each day when Ben returned to the YMCA Caleb was absent, even from his regular shifts. He assumed Caleb had taken one or two days off, but this was getting ridiculous. After two weeks of visiting with no luck he approached the one guard who might know where Caleb was.

“Kenneth!” Ben said when he arrived at the Y. “Do you know where Caleb is?”

“Caleb?” Kenneth responded. “His last day of work was a few weeks ago. He was moving so he transferred to a Y closer to him.”

“He…left?” Ben didn’t mean to sound as upset as he was, but it was obviously coming out from the way Kenneth reacted. He looked like he felt bad for the boy in front of him.

“I’m sorry. I thought he would have told you.” Kenneth didn’t seem to know what to say. “You can check with the front desk to see if you can get his new address though!”

Ben nodded, though his stomach felt like lead. That was his good-bye from Caleb? He couldn’t even tell him he was leaving?

The front desk woman was exceptionally helpful, and despite not usually being allowed to give out employees addresses, she recognized Ben as one of Caleb’s friends so she gave him the address that Caleb had given her. It was for an apartment about thirty minutes away. It wasn’t so far, but without a car and with no bus routes to the area, it may as well have been Narnia. Still, a letter can get to any address, so when Ben got home he sat to write one out. It took forever to find the right words, but they came eventually.

_Dear Caleb,_

_You didn’t say you were leaving. You didn’t say anything at all, for that matter. I wish I could have said good-bye._

_You’re wrong. About everything. You can’t keep running from things that take you out of your comfort zone. I put myself out of my zone every time I spent time with you, and it was worth it for everything I got from the experience. Neither of us is better than the other, Caleb, just different and you deserve whatever love you receive, whoever it’s from. I can’t keep missing you every time you leave. We both deserve better than being lonely._

_Yours Truly,_

_Benjamin Tallmadge_

He sent it out on a Saturday and waited avidly by his mailbox every day for a letter from Caleb. On the following Tuesday one letter was waiting for him in his mailbox.

It was his own with Return To Sender written in bright red.


	3. Junior

1

The summer leading up to Ben’s junior year was slow and uneventful, despite what he wished. Sam arrived home in the late spring and Ben ended up telling him everything. He had thought about not mentioning anything at all, but he was tired of keeping secrets from Sam, so he let him know what had happened. He told Sam about the days he’d spent at the Y, about the Turkey Day game, and about what Caleb had said before he left. There was a kindness to Sam that knew no bounds and instead of lecturing or scolding he listened and waited then he offered the only advice Ben could have wanted to hear: Keep trying. So that’s what Ben did.

Over the course of the summer Ben sent six letters to Caleb. Each letter detailed some event that occurred over the summer. Benjamin had gotten hired officially as a librarian at the public library and now worked part time in the children’s room. He was put in charge of the Summer Reading Program theme and he chose pirates. Every child who participated had to read 8 books, getting a small pirate-themed prize for every book they read and reported to him. Then, when they reached 8 books, they got a larger prize and were entered into a raffle. Sam said he had never done the reading program when he was younger, but he had taken Ben because he figured Ben was reading so much anyway that he might as well get rewarded for it. To Ben it felt like the world was circling back around. He had gotten so much out of those experience when he was a child and now he had the opportunity to give some of that back.

He also wrote about Sam and his achievements. Sam would be a Residential Assistant when school started again. It meant he would have to return to school early and stay at school late, but he wouldn’t have to pay rent and he would get paid seven thousand dollars. He was excited, and Ben knew he liked the idea of having people to take care of. Ben couldn’t think of a better person to be in charge of a hallway full of students.

The third letter detailed Ben and Sam’s trip to Six Flags New England. Six Flags, to Ben, was a grungy sort of place, but it had rides and funnel cake so he was satisfied. They spent most of their time doing easy going rides, like the Crime Wave, which was Ben’s favourite, but at high noon they went on the Blizzard River rafting ride. Sam, ever practical, brought a change of clothes for both of them for after the ride, explaining that getting wet on a ride is only fun for exactly two minutes after the ride ends, then it becomes a nuisance. Ben couldn’t agree more, but he wouldn’t have thought to bring spare clothes.

Ben’s next letter was a bit whinier than he wanted it to be, but it had to be done. He bemoaned all the reading he had to do for his upcoming English class. Ben, usually, enjoyed reading, but his teacher was requiring him to keep journal entries for each book he read. He was told he could journal any way he wanted so long as it was an in-depth analysis of the reading, so he had elected to jot down quotes and then write what he liked about the quote, or what was significant about that line. Still, Ben hated having to stop reading every page or so to write down something in his notebook. It took forever to get through a chapter, let alone one book. Ben was stressed out beyond belief trying to get through all five that he had to read, but he had created a reading schedule and he was determined to get all of his reading done by the end of July.

Ben and Sam’s Fourth of July party experience came next in Ben’s chronicled adventures. Sam invited a few of his friends from college over for holiday weekend to stay with him and meet Ben. One of Sam’s friends, Delilah, brought a travel grill with her, since Ben and Sam had none, and they had a full barbecue in the backyard. Delilah was a champion at cooking on the grill and knew exactly fourteen different jokes about aardvarks and Ben could tell then that Sam was enamored with her. That night, when the sky was dark, they all climbed up onto the roof to watch the fireworks that were going off in the downtown park. As light danced in the sky and thunderous claps echoed through the air, Sam and Delilah took advantage of the moment and kissed against the glorious backdrop. Ben couldn’t have been happier for his brother. He deserved every ounce of love available.

The last letter Ben sent was about himself. He talked about how much he missed Caleb, but he also said that this would be the last letter he would send so he didn’t begin to irritate Caleb. He wrote of how alone he was going to feel with neither Caleb nor Sam with him when school started up in just two weeks. He said how much he hoped Caleb would respond to this one.

None of these six letters were returned, but no responding letters ever came either. Ben wondered if Caleb had read them, or if he had just thrown them away. Ben could understand Caleb’s reasoning’s and motivations, but he didn’t have to agree with them, so he was still upset over the outcome of the events between the two of them. When school started up again Sam encouraged Ben to make some friends this year. He said that every year, but it meant more this time. Ben was on his own.

2

Ben tried out for Cross Country before school started and easily made the team. He had continued to go to the gym, despite Caleb’s absence, and he was in prime shape for a running sport in addition to his usual soccer position. He was looking forward to having a new extracurricular to put on his resume, though it meant he would have to replace all the copies of it he kept in The Yale Project.

The cross country team was homier than his soccer team. Maybe it was because soccer was a sport that involved everyone working together to compete against another team, whereas running was based on the individual. Either way, Ben got along fairly decently with his teammates. It could be, however, that Ben was actually making more of an effort this time. He remembered what Caleb had said about him picking fights. There may have been something to that after all.

“You’re pretty fast, man,” one of Ben’s teammates said when they arrived back at the school after a group run.

“Thanks,” Ben said, pulling his water bottle out of his bag. Ben only knew the boy he was talking to a little bit, but then everyone knew Javier at least a little bit. He had been running Track and Cross Country since Middle School and he knew every track player in the school, even those who only did shot put and discus. He was pointed and blunt, but he was apparently ‘secretly funny’ in a dry sort of way according to those who knew him well enough.

“You practice a lot?” Javier asked.

“Yeah, I go to the gym almost every day.”

“I knew it was you I kept seeing there!” he suddenly shouted. He seemed rather excited about the whole matter.

“You go to the Y?” Ben asked, trying to remember if he had seen him there before.

“Yeah, but I don’t do the treadmills. I take the spin classes.”

“Spin classes? What, is there some secret to spinning that helps with your running?”

“No. I just helps my ass look good,” he said with a shrug. Ben laughed as Javier turned to look at his own progress. “Doesn’t help too much though. My sister was gifted with the only great ass of the family. I got shit from the genetic deal.”

Ben snorted from laughing as he and Javier kept talking on their way to the parking lot. There were three lots at Setauket High School. One was to the direct right of the school, where teachers parked, one was to the direct left of the school, when the juniors and seniors parked, and one was much farther to the left, where everyone else with a car was expected to park. That lot was usually empty though, as most sophomores couldn’t drive and most Juniors got priority spots, but Javier apparently hadn’t applied for a parking spot in time and was stuck in the far lot. Ben didn’t have a car yet so he didn’t have to worry about where he parked, but he walked to the lot anyway per Javier’s invitation.

As they walked Ben noticed that Javier had parked in the farthest corner of the parking lot.

“You one of those ‘park as far away from civilizations’ type people,” Ben joked as they finally got close.

“Listen _princesa_ , I paid top dollar for this car, and I’m not going to give it up when I go to jail for murdering someone who puts a dent in it,” he said, already inspecting the full outer perimeter of the vehicle for dents and scratches. Ben had to laugh at his attention to detail.

“It is a nice car,” Ben said, not sure what else to add. It was hard to keep up with someone who’s personality didn’t quite fit his own and he felt like he had to be funnier and more interesting than he was.

“Yeah she is. I call her Roxanne. I was gonna call her The Dude, but when she got me through a hailstorm without breaking down once I knew she had to be a bitch.”

“Do cars have a gender?”

“Don’t you watch the news man? You’re fucking shaving cream has a gender.” Ben couldn’t tell if he was joking, serious, or ironically making a statement about gender roles assigned to hygiene products, so he just stayed quiet until Javier said:

“You smoke man?”

“Only when I’m not paying for it.”

“That’s a smart business decision and I respect that,” Javier said as he pulled out a blunt from the glove compartment of the passenger seat before reemerging from the car.

“E-cigs mask the smell,” Ben said as Javier lit it up.

“I’ll remember that,” Javier said, taking a drag. He handed it off to Ben and he got high a lot faster than he expected. Javier and him then proceeded to spend at least an hour discussing how different races smoke weed, with Javier firmly stating that white people are the lightweights of the weed-smoking community. Ben didn’t have any other experience up until that point besides smoking with white people, so he wasn’t really qualified to pass judgement, but he continued the debate with Javier anyway for conversations sake.

Javier kept a wide variety of snacks in his car, but he kept, in his front seat, a bottle of Lemon Pepper.

“What do you put that on?” Ben asked, holding the bottle.

“You don’t put it on anything. It’s Mexican candy,” he said, pouring an amount onto his hand then raising it to his mouth. He gave some to Ben to try but it wasn’t received too well.

“You eat this?” Ben coughed.

“Dude, this is my nectar and ambrosia.”

“Nectar was the drink of the gods, Javier.”

“Don’t be a smartass, you know what I’m saying.”

They somehow ended up in a passionate discussion of the Greek gods morals. At some point, however, the sky got dark so Ben and Javier decided it would be best to get out of the school parking lot.

“Wanna grab some McDonalds?” Javier asked after offering to give Ben a ride home.

“McDonalds makes me sick,” Ben said.

“McDonalds makes everyone sick. It’s cool though, I can just bring you home.”

“Maybe another time,” Ben said. Javier was hard to keep up with and Ben didn’t always understand what he was saying, but he was nice and Ben could use a friend.

“Yeah, sure,” Javier agreed. “Maybe we can get the team to go together so we can all collectively get sick before a meet. Good times.”

Ben laughed for the last time that evening before Javier dropped him off at his place. Ben waved and Javier saluted him, and then he left. Ben went inside directly and called Sam to tell him about his day. He almost picked up a pen to write to Caleb, but thought better of it, and went to bed. It could wait.

3

Javier and Ben got closer as the Cross Country season progressed. He and Javier did actually get the team together to go to McDonalds and it was a thrilling experience of everyone stealing food from one another. They did not, surprisingly, get too sick, though everyone felt just slightly gross for all the greasy food they had consumed in such a short period of time.

As the days grew colder, and the outside became a less hospitable environment for walking to school Javier started to pick Ben up in the morning. Ben’s list of close friends was limited, so this was new territory for him. In Middle School he had been exceptionally close with a Nathan Hale, but when his family moved they two had lost contact. Ben thought about him sometimes, but there are times in life where people need to let go of those they never see anymore. Life is too long to think about people who aren’t coming back.

“You ever been to The Castle?” Javier asked one day while they were driving home after practice. The Cross Country season was almost over and the coaches were pushing everyone to train harder for the state qualifiers.

“I don’t even know what that is,” Ben said.

“It’s a club about a half hour from here,” Javier explained. “It’s got a sick gothic theme to it and they hardly ever check anyone for ID’s.”

Ben nodded then abruptly realized that this was probably Javier’s way of extending an invitation.

“Are you asking me if I want to go?” Ben asked.

“Yeah. I can’t go by myself, and besides, you might actually meet someone there. God knows you could use some good dick.”

Ben rolled his eyes at the comment. Javier and he had discussed their sexuality with one another over the course of their friendship and Ben had touched briefly on his dilemma with Caleb. Javier was openly aromantic, but he understood that Ben was still pining for Caleb so he was determined to find a replacement for the hole Caleb had left in his life. It was done in kindness and Ben appreciated the offer, but he really thought Javier should focus less on Ben’s romantic life. Even still, the prospect of going out to a club sounded entertaining. He hadn’t been to party since freshman year and this was a chance to build up that social life he’d always wanted.

“Minus the ‘good dick’, I’m in,” Ben said. “But you said it’s gothic themed. Does that mean we have to dress up?”

“Eh, just throw on some black clothes and you’ll be fine. You don’t _have_ to dress up, but you’ll look out of place if you don’t at least blend.”

Ben was always out of place, so it wouldn’t be such a tragedy for him to feel that way once more, but tonight was promising to be a chance to fit in, and Ben wasn’t going to throw that away. So, when they got to Ben’s house, he quickly grabbed a tight black tank top that he used to work out and a pair of Sam’s black dress pants. Ben has continued to grow over the year and was actually tall enough to wear his brother’s old clothes, but he was more muscular than Sam was so everything fit snug around his legs. On the way out, after getting changed, Ben additionally grabbed a decorative cross necklace from an old vampire costume, of which all the pieces were scattered about the house.

“Damn, _amigo_!” Javier called from the car when Ben emerged. “Nice touch with the necklace. Let’s be absolutely certain to tarnish the name of God tonight.”

“Can you just drive,” Ben said and they were on their way to Javier’s house. Javier took just slightly longer to get ready because he couldn’t find the hat he wanted. He eventually found it, with Ben’s help, hanging up on the hat rack where it was supposed to be. Life could be funny like that.

The drive to the club left Ben feeling antsy. He felt sort of silly, all dressed up in black, but Javier seemed excited enough for the both of them.

Javier was right about them not checking ID’s. He and Ben got in the door no problem, and Javier sweet talked the second bouncer into not marking them as underage. For someone who had no romantic interest whatsoever Javier really could be a terrible flirt. The inside of The Castle was exactly what Ben would have expected. It was loud and full to the brim with people. The inside walls were designed to mimic that of an actual castle, with torches providing the only light besides the lamps at the bar in the middle of the room. The dance floor totally surrounded the bar so it appeared to be an island amidst a swarm of dancers. Some people were dressed as low-key as Ben and Javier, but some people had gone all out with corsets and, occasionally, horns.

“I’ll get us some drinks,” Javier shouted over the music. “Do. Not. Move!”

Ben nodded, already concerned with how you would find anyone in the crowd of faces. And yet, in the midst of people, Ben saw something he recognized. Curly brown hair and an almost fully grown beard on someone seated by the island-like bar. Before Ben could stop himself he had moved forward and said:

“Hey.”

Caleb’s head swiveled around to face the face that matched the voice he seemed to recall.

“Ben?”

“Hey,” Ben repeated, not sure what else to say. Caleb was dressed in a dark shirt and jeans so he appeared like he almost didn’t belong where he was. Most important, however, were his eyes which were scanning up and down Ben’s body. He bit his lip as he looked, just slightly, then opened his mouth to say something that was never said because of Javier’s arrival.

“What happened to don’t move?” Javier asked in mock offense before handing a drink to Ben. “I got you peach schnapps for shits and giggles. Who’s this?”

“Caleb Brewster,” Ben said as Javier’s eyebrows raised to his forehead.

“No kidding,” he said as he sized up Caleb. “Right. Well, this is unexpected. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Caleb looked bewildered and almost offended at Javier’s last remark.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah!” Javier responded, but didn’t elaborate at all on what he’d heard but instead returned his attention to Ben. “Come on _princesa_ , let’s find a place to sit.”

Caleb mouthed the word _princesa_ while Javier dragged Ben away from a still staring Caleb. When they were out of earshot Ben furrowed his brow and turned to Javier.

“What was that?”

“You are playing too easy to get, that’s what,” Javier said, hitting Ben’s arm.

“Excuse me? I said ‘hey’, not ‘marry me’,” Ben replied.

“Listen, you didn’t see the look on your face. You looked like you had just entered heaven.”

“I just wasn’t expecting to see him here, that’s all,” Ben said. “And what’s with the sweet talk? We’re not a thing, Javier!”

“But he doesn’t know that!”

Ben groaned and rolled his eyes.

“This is not a telenovela!”

“Oh, what, because I’m Mexican I automatically watch telenovelas? Real original, Ben,” he said sarcastically. “And _Pasión de Gavilanes_ was a great show!”

“Just, can you stay out of this, Javier!”

“Absolutely not. Now finish your drink and let’s go dance.”

Ben downed his too-sweet peach schnapps and let himself get led to a spot on the dance floor that just _happened_ to be close to where Caleb was still positioned. Ben knew Javier was under the assumption that he could make Caleb jealous, but Ben didn’t see that happening. Caleb wasn’t the type to get jealous, but the type people got jealous of. He remembered Kenneth at the pool and all those boys he’d danced with before Ben at Anna’s party and how he had felt. That wouldn’t happen to Caleb, especially after he was the one who said Ben deserved better. And yet, Javier and Ben both noticed Caleb’s eyes surreptitiously following Ben on the dance floor. His eyes also darted to Javier once in a while with the same expression that Bradford used to give Ben, but Ben couldn’t pinpoint what that emotion was.

Caleb danced with a few guys during the evening, but Javier claimed his eyes were always on Ben. By the end of the evening Ben wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It was possible he was just making sure he didn’t get hurt, but that was always more Sam’s speed than Caleb’s. After all, what did Caleb have to be jealous of? Ben could have been his whenever he wanted.

4

By the time the soccer season started up Ben had established a fairly strong pattern with Javier of when they went out clubbing. There were several clubs they liked the best, The Castle being one of them out of nostalgia for it being the first, but they had a few more regulars as time went on.

Every once in a while they tried a new club, but they hated getting turned away at the door if they got carded. Neither of them was 18 yet, though Ben was close, so they weren’t even supposed to be allowed in any clubs, let alone getting drinks at them. Still, some bouncers could be convinced through some careful phrasing by Javier, and bartenders were even easier to convince. A lot of the newer clubs that were trying to establish a large crowd of regulars were willing to let just about anybody in, but they were stingy with who they served alcohol to this early into their opening. The older clubs were usually willing to serve anyone, but they already had a heavy crowd of people so they tended to turn Ben and Javier away more often. But eventually they got to know the bouncers at their regulars which made it a lot easier to get in.

Ben was still focusing on his studies, despite his new social life. He had Mr. Arnold again, but for AP Modern European Civilization this year and it had gotten significantly harder to get through a class without starting a debate. Ben would have been worried that his fellow classmates would mind, but they seemed more than content to let Mr. Arnold and Ben argue while they did nothing the whole class. One of the girls even thanked him because she could use the time they were arguing in to read the textbook, which she found far more educational than anything the teacher had to say.

He was also starting to fill out information for college applications. He was already entering scholarships available to high school juniors and he was starting to actually pull things out of The Yale Project to use. Javier thought Ben was getting ahead of himself, but Ben thought he was right on schedule. He felt he would have been totally dedicated to his studies instead of his social life if he didn’t keep running into Caleb at the clubs. It was uncanny how often they ran into each other. He worried that Caleb would think Ben was following him, but Javier seemed to think it was the other way around. Or maybe serendipity wasn’t such a myth after all. Yet, even outside of their usual nightlife spots, Ben and Caleb found one another, but only once at a Walmart at midnight.

Where Ben was from the teens of the area who didn’t party, but also weren’t glued to their academic life, had a habit of hanging out at the always open Walmart. Ben was never entirely sure what they did there, but Javier was determined to find out, so he and Ben wound up in the store on a Scooby-Doo Goldilocks mission to spy on a group of miscreant kids. As far as Ben could tell they moved about the store at a leisurely pace. They lounged in the patio set display chairs for a while, but other than that they were just picking up random items to use as a punchline for a joke only their group could find amusing. In the toilet paper aisle Ben and Javier ended up cutting their spy mission short when the bumped into Caleb.

“Look who it is!” Javier announced as loud as he could, prompting Ben to look up at who was down the aisle. Caleb looked over at them and smiled, just a little, when he saw Ben. That smile disappeared when he Javier began walking over to talk to him.

“Javier,” Caleb said, as way of a greeting.

“Caleb,” Javier responded, obviously enjoying the antagonism.

“Hi, Caleb,” Ben added, not really sure what else to say.

“What are you doing here?” Caleb asked, apparently noticing a lack of purchases in anyone’s hands besides his own.

“Just hanging out,” Javier said.

“Oh God, you’re not turning into those kids who hang out at Walmart, are you!” It was said sarcastically, and Ben had to laugh. Caleb was infectious like that.

“No,” Ben admitted. “We’re actually following the kids who do hang out here.”

“Following?”

“Well, yeah. We just wanted to know what they do here, that’s all.”

“So, what do they do?”

“Nothing,” Javier said, and Ben had to nod to agree.

“Right. Well, have fun following nothing, I guess.” Caleb was ending the conversation, but he looked like he didn’t want to. He nodded his head to Ben as a good-bye, then he hurried away like it would have killed him to stay.

“Some good-bye,” Javier said when he had left.

“He usually flips people off, so I would consider this an upgrade.”

“This is the guy you’re still pining after?”

“Shut up.”

With Javier’s 17th birthday just around the corner it seemed practical to spend an excessive amount of time and money of having a good time. Javier’s idea of a good time, however, was pretty much the same thing they had been doing but Ben had to pay for everything this time around. At each club Ben was in charge of getting drinks, but he had also been put on duty to announce loudly that it was Javier’s birthday in the hopes that they would get something on discount, or for free. It worked at some places, it didn’t at others. But at the final club for the weekend, Caleb made his last appearance.

“He’s here,” Ben all but squealed when they got to the bar. Caleb seemed to have noticed the pair of them as well. Usually Caleb just nodded his head and kept his distance, but today he seemed to take a breath and went up to the two of them. The music was as loud as could be expected, but Ben could always hear Caleb’s voice loud and clear. There happened to be enough light at the bar that the three people could see one another quite well, and Ben thought Caleb looked somehow less like himself. Maybe it was because he seemed nervous, and that wasn’t an emotion Ben was used to Caleb having.

“Hey,” he said when he got to them.

“Hey,” Javier responded for Ben. Caleb flashed his eyes to Javier then to Ben.

“Wanna dance?” Caleb asked. Ben felt a fluster run through him. Caleb never asked anyone to dance, he just grabbed people and moved their body against his own. There were certainly a decent amount of people in this club who would love to be dragged out onto the floor by anyone, let alone Caleb. When Caleb had dragged Ben out onto the dance floor at Anna’s party it had been hot and spur-of-the-moment. This felt formal and real, and that was frightening to Ben.

“I- Um- I don’t know,” he got out at last. Caleb seemed flustered as well. He obviously wasn’t used to rejection.

“You don’t know?” Caleb asked.

“I just- I’m confused, Caleb,” Ben managed. “You can’t keep doing this to me.”

Javier, for the first time since Ben had met him, looked uncomfortable. He seemed to be debating whether he should give them some privacy or stay as a wing-man to Ben.

“Benny-” Caleb started.

“Why didn’t you write back? Why didn’t you say good-bye? Why do I always feel like you only like me when it’s convenient?”

“Listen, if you’re here with him, that’s fine,” Caleb said in reference to Javier, who was avoiding eye contact entirely at this point. “I get it, you’ve got someone else now-”

“I’m here with a friend, and this isn’t about him and you know it,” Ben said, his voice getting deeper instead of louder. “This is about you not knowing yourself. If you wanted me you could have had me but you keep throwing me away and I know why but make up your mind because this is getting ridiculous. You can’t be jealous of something you could have.”

“Ben, I’m sorry-”

“When we were kids you told me you were only good at apologizing. That’s not true. You’re good at a lot of things, Caleb, you just don’t know any better. You deserve me. You always did and you always will and I’ll always want you but you’re either with me or you’re not. No more fucking in the frat house, Caleb. No more warnings from Sam and no more returned letters. It’s all of me or nothing. You don’t get to pick and choose when you feel worthy of my affection.”

Caleb looked like the word shatter. Ben felt like the word tremble. Before he could give Caleb a chance to respond he had turned and was heading towards the door. Javier, of all things, gave Caleb a supportive fist-bump to the shoulder before he left after Ben.

Ben broke down in tears the minute he got home. Sam was right. Ben did love Caleb, but for the first time, he realized he loved himself too. This time it was Caleb who would have to make a decision.

5

This year, Sam actually got to spend his spring break at home. Last year he had volunteered to help his Biology teacher with the Save the Bay efforts and ended up dedicating his whole break to the project. Both Sam and Ben had been upset about not seeing one another, but the whole world was important to Sam, so Ben could understand. This time, however, Sam had not volunteered for any extended projects and had instead made plans to go to the clubs with Ben and Javier, who he had yet to meet.

But when he got home he found Ben in a poor condition. Ben wasn’t sad, or upset, like he was the first and second time he had had an issue with Caleb, but he was snappish and irritable instead. He hated to be that way around Sam, but he couldn’t pull himself out of his funk. Sam didn’t ask Ben about what had happened, but instead it was Javier who brought up the issue to Sam.

“So, you’re Javier!” Sam said when he opened the door to Ben and Javier after their last day of school for the week.

“That sounds like a true statement,” Javier said in the way he always did as he stepped into the house. “You don’t look like each other.”

“Thanks?” Sam said, side eyeing Ben with a grin. He liked him.

“Anytime. OK, _papi_ , Ben said you know how to cook. Imma hold you to that statement.”

Sam and Javier spent the evening getting to know one another, but Ben was as distant and broody as he had been since the night at the club. He still wasn’t sure he had done the right thing. He wanted Caleb back in his life, but he wanted him there for good, not until Caleb decided to move on. But would it have been worth it to get him for a little while if he never got him back at all because of what he’d said? There was a panic in Ben that this time it might have been him who ruined his own chances.

“Hey,” Javier said, pulling Sam by the arm while Ben started doing dishes. “Let’s talk.”

Both of them left the room, leaving Ben to pick up snippets of their conversation as Sam made pretenses of showing Javier around the house he had already visited multiple times. Even without hearing drops of conversation Ben knew what was happening. Javier was telling Sam about what had been going on with his brother and Caleb. Ben hadn’t mentioned anything about it to Sam, not out of secrecy but out of kindness. Sam must have been exhausted after having to deal with all of this for three years.  It didn’t seem fair to keep dragging him back into the mess that was his relationship with Caleb. Ben wondered if he would have been better off if Sam had actually banned him from seeing Caleb. It might have saved both of them a lot of headaches.

When Javier and Sam returned, however, Sam didn’t seem exhausted or over the whole situation, but he looked motivated.

“I have to go out for a little while,” he said, grabbing his car keys from the hook by the kitchen counter.

“Go out?” Ben asked, confused by this new development. That was unexpected.

“I’ll be back a quick as I can be, but this might take a while. You guys can just hang out here. See you soon,” he said and that was that. When he left Ben turned to Javier.

“Where’s he going?” He asked, as though Javier had all the answers in the universe.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged.

“Well, what did he say?”

“Nothing! I told him about what happened at the club-”

“Which I didn’t ask you to do, by the way.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome. But I told him and he just looked inspired all of a sudden and had us head back here.”

“Inspired?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said, thanks for repeating it back.”

“Sam always tells me everything,” Ben said, ignoring Javier’s sarcasm completely. “You don’t think he’s gonna do something to Caleb, do you?”

“You’re brother just told us a story about how he organized a campaign to prevent killing spiders in his hallway at school, I think you’re fine on that front.”

Ben nodded, but he wasn’t entirely sure. Javier hadn’t seen Sam that day in the driveway. Sam was sweet and gentle and kind but for the sake of Ben he always went too far. It was one of Sam’s main faults in life: his inability to recognize that Ben was capable of making his own mistakes. When they were younger Sam would always do everything first to make sure it was safe for Ben. He used to climb up the trees in the park first and then tell Ben to climb up, additionally including information on how to get up the safest and easiest way. It took some of the fun out of the experience, but if that was what Sam needed to be happy, Ben could let him do that. It was a give and take with their relationship, each sacrificing a slice of their own happiness to contribute to the others.

“Maybe he’s going to get you stripper!” Javier said when they were relaxing on the futon in the guest room. An old TV Javier and Ben had found on the side of the road had been added to the room so they were watching VHS’s while they waited.

“No, Javier.”

“Alright, maybe a prostitute!”

“Can you just watch the movie? This is my favourite part,” Ben complained.

“Every part of Sabrina is your favourite part, you gay fuck.”

_“All night long I've had the most terrible impulse to do something_ ,” Ben mouthed to the sound of the television.

At that moment a car pulled into the driveway and both boys shot up to run to the door. Through the door Ben could see Sam climbing out of the car and walking up the steps.

“Where were you?” Ben demanded as gently as he could when Sam opened the door. His brother looked actually exhausted now, but victorious, like how Ben felt after a particularly successful meet or soccer match or test.

“I went to see an old friend.”

That was the end of the conversation.

6

It was to be inferred that Sam had gone and talked to Caleb that night, but for the next week he didn’t say anything else about the matter. He didn’t say what he had said or what Caleb had said or even whether the conversation had been negative or positive. This was one instance when Sam wouldn’t tell Ben something. More importantly though, was that Ben didn’t ask. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what had happened, and if Sam didn’t want to say anything than Ben wouldn’t push him to. There was a reason why he wasn’t saying anything about the matter.

Three days after Sam left again for college, there was a knock at the door. The only person Ben could imagine knocking on his door was Javier, but he was visiting family in Cancun and wouldn’t be back for another week. It could be the widowed Ms. Elwood from next door who had recently taken it upon herself to pry into Ben’s personal life under the guise of ‘asking for sugar’ and then staying for an afternoon to ‘chat’. Ben mentally prepared himself for a lengthy conversation about how school was going and whether or not he had a girlfriend with his 60-something year old neighbor when he opened to door to find Caleb.

He was dressed up in a collared shirt and dark jeans. He looked so grown up compared to the day of Ben’s freshman year when he was in his casual tank top attire. It was strange to see him dressed so nice, but he didn’t look out of place, like he used to when he dressed up. Instead he looked like Caleb, plain and simple, and Ben liked that. Ben was so consumed by the shock of Caleb’s appearance and attire that he almost missed the flowers Caleb was holding. They were poppies, Ben’s absolute favourite.

“I’m a cockfuck,” Caleb said, sounding much more sincere about the phrasing than anyone else could have.

“Alright,” Ben agreed.

“I’m sorry.”

“You might have started with that,” Ben said. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you again. I always want to see you though.”

“You’re off to a good start.” Ben liked where this conversation was going. He felt like he was on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to fall.

“Sam used to tell me that I always got a choice in life, and only I could choose for me. He told me the same thing when he came to talk; I could choose what I think I deserve or I can choose you. And I want to choose you.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I thought you could do better. I still think you can. But, I want you to be happy more than I want to be right.”

“You’re not right, Caleb,” Ben said, leaning against the doorframe. “But if this is only to make me happy and not you-”

“You make me happy.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I make you upset and distant and I cost you you’re best friend.”

“You didn’t do that. I did. And to some extent, so did Sam,” Caleb said. “He missed the part where you grew up.”

“Weren’t you the one who told me I had growing left to do?”

“I missed that part too.”

There was a quiet as Ben watched Caleb, who seemed to be locating the right words.

“Can we start over?” Caleb asked.

“No,” Ben said like an order. “Let’s start from right here, right now. You and me and all our mistakes.”

“You and me,” Caleb echoed.

“You and me.”

“And our mistakes. Alright. Then this is where we go from here: Benjamin Tallmadge, would you like to go out with me?” Caleb held out the flowers to Ben and smiled in his infectious way.

“A real date?” Ben smiled and took the poppies into his own hands. Ms. Elwood was watching from her window. Ben hoped she died of shock.

“An honest to goodness date.”

“I would love to,” he replied as he stepped down from the doorway onto the porch. Caleb extended his hand to take Ben’s. “What? Right now?”

“Yep,” Caleb said. “Right now.”

“Caleb, I’m wearing Captain America pants.”

“And you look beautiful, let’s go.”

Ben rolled his eyes and let himself be dragged to the car, one hand in Caleb’s, on hand gripping his flowers tight. They parted hands for the briefest of moments when Caleb and Ben got in on opposite sides of the car, but the whole drive was spent with their hands laced together.

They were only driving for seven minutes when Caleb stopped at the nearest Burger King.

“How romantic,” Ben said, climbing out of the car. Caleb winked at Ben as he too got out of the car, then opened the door for Ben. Using his hands, Caleb then directed Ben to a table in the back of the seating area. The very furthest corner booth had a plastic vase full of poppies on it with two plug-in candles on either side. Additionally added was a set of decorative paper plates and silver-styled plastic cutlery.

Ben was choking on laughter as he sat down to find himself being handed a quickly-made menu by a teenaged employee.

“You’re ridiculous,” Ben hissed from across the table as he peered over the Value Menu section of his menu.

“Are you ready to order,” Caleb said as a response before turning to his makeshift waiter. “I’ll have two Whoopers and a small fries. Ben?”

“I’ll have two bacon double cheeseburgers, chicken fries, two large french fries, and a medium frosty.”

“Jesus Christ!” Caleb exclaimed. “Are you eating for two or what?”

“Funny,” Ben said sarcastically as he pulled out a pen from his pajama pant pocket to circle all the spelling errors on his menu. The few people that were also at Burger King were surreptitiously staring at Ben and Caleb and their decorated table, but Ben didn’t mind. He felt like he was exactly where he was meant to be. In fact, he felt he should have been there a long time ago.

“Caleb?” Ben asked more than said.

“Yes?”

“You’re not going to leave this time, are you?”

Caleb looked something akin to heartbroken.

“No. Not this time,” he said.

“Can you promise me that?”

“I promise.” Caleb didn’t pause for a beat before he said it. He didn’t stop to think, it just came out and Ben felt a sigh of relief wash through him. This time would be different. This time they had a chance to make it. Still, there was something left in the back of his soul that wasn’t entirely content, but that was a matter for another time. For now he had a promise.

“But,” Caleb added, sliding his eyes to the server who was bringing their food to them, “about Javier.”

Ben snorted as he was handed his exceptionally full tray of food.

“Javier is a friend. Like I told you.”

“Yeah, but, were you ever-”

“No. He’s not interested in me. Or anyone for that matter.”

“Are you sure? You looked like you were...” Caleb waved his arms when he trailed off, but Ben wasn’t getting anything from the visual signals.

“We were…”

“You ever seen _While You Were Sleeping_?” Caleb asked, leaning on his elbows across the table like he was about to make a point.

“Yes.”

“You know the ‘leaning’ thing?”

“Leaning?” Ben said incredulously.

“Yeah, there’s a scene when Sandra Bullock’s character gets accused by that guy who played Lone Star in _Space Balls_ of having a thing with Joe Jr. because they were ‘leaning’. They were, you know, closing in on one another.”

“That- I don’t even know where to start with that, Caleb,” Ben said through mouthfuls of french fries. “No, no, we weren’t ‘leaning’, we were just hanging out. I mean, he was trying to get you jealous as well, but I told him it wouldn’t work.”

“Why would you think that it wouldn’t work?”

“You really didn’t give me any reason to believe you wouldn’t be happy to see me with someone else.” That came out a little more bitter than Ben had intended, but the mood didn’t change and Ben was thankful for that.

“Alright, I deserve that.”

“So it did work then? Is that why you changed your mind?”

“No, well…Maybe. I just thought you looked happy and I wanted him to be me.”

“Yeah,” Ben agreed.

The night melted on and they had to eventually be told by management to leave the building because they were closing the open seating. Ben and Caleb talked about a great many things at Burger King and on the drive home. They talked about what had gone wrong and why. They talked about who was in the wrong and what that meant. They talked about each other. They held hands and laughed and for once everything felt real and right to Ben. He felt like he belonged to the moment.

When they got back to Ben’s house he didn’t dance around the idea of going in for the kiss. He got to the porch then claimed Caleb’s mouth. He had grown taller than Caleb over the last three years and he wasn’t showing signs of stopping, so he was forced to lean, just slightly, to reach Caleb.

They kissed on the porch for what might have been a second, or several minutes, but it was long enough for it to feel cold on their lips when they parted. But they smiled anyway. This would be worth the wait Ben had endured.

7

“I fucking told you!” Javier shouted when he heard what happened between Caleb and Ben. “I knew it would work. I should charge you for my service.”

“Shut up, will you. We still have to finish this power point.”

Ben and Javier were up in Ben’s room at his computer working on an English project that both of them hated. It was a drab assignment that required them to describe each chapter of the book they had read which both of them had hated. It was a tedious project that was mostly busy-work and Ben couldn’t stand it, but he would get a good grade if it killed him.

“No, we _have to_ talk about your upcoming date with Caleb McFuckBoy. You going to McDonalds next or what?”

“He’s coming to my place for dinner, actually,” Ben said, tapping away at his computer as he added another slide to their show. “I’m cooking lasagna.”

“Lasagna? That’s such a white people thing. You need-” Javier suddenly stopped to gasp. Ben immediately pulled his hands back from his keyboard in case he had done something to prompt Javier’s outburst.

“What? What’s wrong?” Ben asked in a hurry.

“I left my taquitos in the microwave!”

“Your taquitos?” Ben said, exasperated.

“They were left over from Taco Bell.”

“Taco Bell? What the hell kind of piece of shit Mexican are you?”

“I don’t go for the authenticity,” Javier said, smacking Ben up the side of the head with his paperback copy of Drop Dead Healthy. “I go because I’m cheap as fuck and I like their taquitos. Can I live?”

“Only if you help me finish this project,” Ben said. “We present on Monday and we haven’t done anything yet. Have you even read the book?”

“Don’t change the subject, we were talking about your date.”

“No, we were talking about your taquitos.”

“Well we were originally talking about your date,” Javier said, still doing nothing to help with the project. “Are you gonna have sex?” He asked it so casually, as though he was asking what seasoning Ben planned to use on his pasta. That was the way of Javier. He just spoke.

“No,” Ben said firmly.

“Because you’re afraid he’ll leave if you do?”

“No, I just-”

“You don’t have to justify anything to me, Ben. The last two times he left. That puts you in a certain mental state. I just asked for the sake of asking. I need to work on that.”

“Yeah,” Ben agreed. Javier was right, but Ben didn’t say it out loud. He didn’t have to. Javier knew, and so did Ben. He _was_ afraid Caleb would leave. He’d been intimate with Caleb twice and both times had prompted their relationship to fall apart in new ways. Ben knew it was mostly unfounded, but the voice in the back of his head told him that getting too close to Caleb would make him leave again. It was that spot in the back of his soul that couldn’t get comfortable.

The pair eventually abandoned the project entirely for the evening and parted ways so Ben could assemble what he needed for dinner. In the bottom cabinet of the sink there resided a small wooden box of recipes that had been kept for just a few too many years. The recipes had all been written down by members of Ben’s family onto small chits of paper. Some of them were original Tallmadge recipes, others were variations of usual recipes, but a small few were recipes stolen from others. Ben’s great aunt Matilda rather infamously struck up a conversation with her neighbor through the window while he was baking so she could watch what he did and eventually she won a first prize brownie baking contest with the stolen recipe. Ben would not be using any ill-gotten recipes for his lasagna, and was instead following his brother’s specific instructions of how to make the perfect vegetable lasagna. Sam’s handwritten note looked strange in the box, it being so new, so void of the creases and discolouring that added a flair of charm to the other recipes, but it never looked out of place. After all, each worn and torn recipe in the box once started as Sam’s did, new and fresh and crisp.

At seven exactly Caleb showed up at the door. He was all smiles and charm as he sauntered in through the house like he owned it.

“Aw honey, you baked!”

“Don’t patronize me with your out-of-context _Clueless_ quotes,” Ben snapped while whacking Caleb gently with the wooden spoon he was holding. “I didn’t burn _anything_ this time!”

“Ow! Careful. I got work tomorrow. I might need that arm!”

“Have you ever actually rescued anyone?” Ben asked. “Or do you just lounge in your chair above everyone for six hours a day.”

“No, I haven’t had to rescue anyone. You wanna know why? ‘Cause I do my damn job!” Caleb said as he took the knife Ben had brought out from his hands and went back to the kitchen to get a spatula instead, obviously unimpressed with Ben’s lack of knowledge of lasagna serving. “Though a girl I work with got written up for making too many rescues.”

“Too many rescues? Is that even possible? Is she just careless?”

“No, no! Just not good on visual cues. She keeps diving into the water to rescue people who aren’t drowning.”

“What?”

“Yeah, and you know, it wouldn’t really be a problem but she keeps breaking walkie-talkies when she jumps in, so they had to talk to her because we started with seven walkie-talkies and now we’re down to two.”

“That is unfortunate,” Ben commented. The lasagna had been cut and served onto the two plates at the table. Ben had put Caleb’s plate across from his, but Caleb had vetoed that decision and moved the plate so he was sitting right next to Ben. They spent most of the evening eating and talking and telling stories to one another about their misfortunes at work. Caleb complained about incompetent lifeguards while Ben sighed about impatient patrons at the library. Before they knew it they had eaten just a little over half of the lasagna and almost immediately regretted that as they found movement a new challenge.

When they officially stopped eating Ben started putting dishes in the sink and to his surprise Caleb started loading the dishwasher. It all felt rather domestic to Ben and he liked that a lot more than he thought he would. He felt like this feeling was long overdue.

In the end they wound up in the Guest Bedroom, as anyone who came into the house always did, and they tried to pick out a movie to watch while they tried to wait out their food comas.

“No shit, you have Star Wars on VHS!” Caleb cried when he found the old tapes in the back of the movie shelf.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about those.”

“Are they the originals? Like, unedited?” Caleb asked all worked up suddenly.

“Yeah. They have some George Lucas interview on the beginning of the first one-”

Before Ben could finish speaking Caleb had jumped up and shoved the VHS into the TV. Then he grabbed Ben by the waist and pulled him down onto the futon so they were practically sitting on top of each other. Ben laughed and let himself be put into the proper sitting position by Caleb so they were leaning back together, Caleb’s arm still resting on Ben’s hip as they watched the entirety of the initial interview. Ben hadn’t seen Star Wars in forever, but Caleb apparently watched it a lot, mouthing the words as they were said and loudly saying his favourite quotes. Ben was only half watching the show as he nuzzled up to Caleb, getting comfortable against the side of his body. A quarter of the way through the show, Caleb seemed to notice the attention he was getting and rearranged himself so he was able to kiss Ben softly and slowly.

The movie eventually acted as background sound to Ben and Caleb’s impromptu make-out session on the couch. Ben breathed in deeply as Caleb ran his hands up and down Ben’s body, feeling his back, his ribs, his waist and everything else in between. Though Caleb’s hands wandered, Ben’s remained at the back of Caleb’s head, his fingers running through Caleb’s curly brown locks. Then, after several minutes, Caleb shifted positions so both of them could lie down. That was when Ben sat up and pushed himself slightly away.

“What’s wrong?” Caleb asked, obviously going over the last five seconds in his head to figure out what had gone wrong.

“I just- Can we just watch the movie?” Ben said, stupidly trying to avoid the conversation he knew they needed to have.

“If you want to. But-”

“Good!” Ben cut him off and repositioned himself on the couch so he was facing the TV. Caleb didn’t though. Instead he stayed where he was, looking over Ben with deliberate care and caution.

“I’m not leaving this time,” he finally said, somehow having worked out what he assumed was the problem. Ben chewed his lip and continued to stare at the TV. He didn’t want to talk about this.

Caleb stood up and turned the TV off, then walked back over to sit next to Ben.

“I know that the last few times we were together didn’t end well,” he started. “And I know that’s my fault. But Benny, this time is different. I’m here. I’m actually here and we’re actually together. You don’t need to worry.”

“Every time we had sex you left,” Ben said as blunt as he could. Javier would have been proud.

“That’s not- Those things aren’t related.”

“Yes, they are Caleb. We got too close and you got uncomfortable and you didn’t want me anymore.”

“Ben, I always want you,” Caleb said softly. “I just wanted you to do better.”

“I hate when people try to make up my mind for me.”

“I know, and it’s not gonna happen again, Ben. I’m staying, whether you like it or not. Even if you get sick and tired of having me around I’m staying and you can’t stop me. Not this time.”

Ben mulled that thought over. He wondered how many times Caleb would have to say that before Ben never needed to hear it again. There was something shattered in Ben, some disillusionment that had been expelled from him. He was trying to trust what he was hearing because he so badly wanted this to work, but how he felt mattered. What had happened to him because of Caleb mattered. Soft words couldn’t give back what had been taken. There’s damage no one can undo.

“I want to believe you,” Ben started. Caleb looked like he was going to interrupt, but Ben shook his head and he stayed silent. “But we need to do things different from before. We go slow. I need time Caleb, and I think you owe me that. I want that part of the relationship where we hold hands, touch noses, and kiss softly, but I can’t go any farther yet. Not anymore.”

There was not one part of Caleb’s face that didn’t look destroyed. He knew all of this was his fault. His actions had altered Ben’s perception of relationships and stability and commitment, and he couldn’t fix any of that as fast as he had broken it. So he nodded instead.

“I’ll do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, until you start to trust me again.”

Ben put on a small smile and shuffled closer to Caleb, but Caleb stood up instead.

“I have something,” he said, walking out the door then audibly opening the coat closet. When he returned he was holding a stack of letters in his hands.

“My letters,” Ben said when Caleb returned to his seat.

“Yeah. These are the ones we sent back and forth two summers ago,” Caleb replied, taking a good stack of the letters away from the pile to put down on the spot next to him. “And these are the ones you sent me last summer.”

The six letters left in Caleb’s hands were unopened, but they had smudged finger marks all over them, like Caleb had picked them up more often than he had put them down.

“You didn’t read them.” Ben sounded disappointed.

“No, but I kept them, and I wanna read them now, with you. But… I sent one back. The first one you sent. I don’t know if it matters, but I was wondering if you had-”

Ben disappeared out the door and up the staircase and returned with his own pile of letters from Caleb, in addition to one unopened letter with bright red writing on the front.

“Start with this one,” Ben said, handing the letter to Caleb. So he did. He read all seven unopened letters first, then he and Ben read their original letters to one another out loud.

Ben could feel the twinge of nostalgia hit him, the way it did sometimes when people glimpse into their own past. But it didn’t hurt so much this time, because Ben understood that what he had now had a chance to be better than what he had before, and for once he didn’t have to settle for ‘enough’.


	4. Senior

1

The summer was the hottest one on record, but Ben hardly noticed. The months passed by with a speed Ben wouldn’t have wished for, but the days he spent with Caleb seemed to melt on forever. They spent most of their time in the park behind the library. Ben and Caleb would both work during the day, Ben in the Children’s Room and Caleb at the YMCA, then they would meet outside and have glorious adventures. Those adventures, of course, were not so much expeditions, but rather moments of togetherness that seemed so wide and so tall that no evil could go over or around them. They built a fortress to protect themselves out of affection and caring.

As the summer wound to an end Ben and Caleb found themselves walking from the park to Alley Katz for the ninety-nine cent-a-game Rock ‘n Bowl to celebrate the last precious evening of summer before school started back up for Ben.

“One more year and you’re free!” Caleb said as he threw his third strike in a row. Ben slumped his head against the back of his plastic-like couch as the digital scoreboard played the Turkey jingle in Caleb’s honor.

“Yeah, free to lose as many games of bowling to you as I want,” Ben sighed, pulling his head back up and going for a ball. He knocked down one pin. Caleb cheered like it was a miracle.

“Anyone can get a strike, but how many people can knock down only one pin!” he exclaimed.

“A lot, actually,” their disgruntled bowling neighbor muttered as Ben flopped back down, ignoring the fact that he had another ball to throw and going right for the french fries that had arrived at the table.

“But seriously,” Caleb started again, “you have this year and then you’re good to go! No more High School. Ever. You can work yourself to death like you always dreamed about!”

Ben gave Caleb a push with his elbow, then slapped Caleb’s hand as it went for a french fry in the basket.

“Ow! These are my fries too, you know!”

“You were going for the one I want,” Ben explained, taking an exceptionally long fry from the bag.

“I _was_ going for that one, as a matter-of-fact, and I intend to get it actually,” Caleb said as he reached across the table and yanked the fry from Ben’s hand.

“Give it back you cow! I called dibs!”

“I didn’t hear it!”

“We’ll I’m calling it now!”

“Too late. It’s going in my mouth!” Caleb got the fry within an inch of his face when Ben put his own mouth on Caleb’s, and his body onto Caleb’s lap. Momentarily distracted, Ben retrieved the fry from Caleb single handed, then sat back on Caleb’s lap as he shoved it quickly into his mouth.

“That was a dirty move, Tallboy,” Caleb said, though he was nodding his head like he approved.

“That’s a public school education for you,” Ben responded, his mouth still full of fried potato.

“Hey, this is a family area,” the disgruntled bowling man from before said disapprovingly from across the couches.

“Yeah, and you’ve been feeling up your 20-something year old girlfriend’s ass for half the evening. I assume that’s gotta stop as well if French Fry Fighting is unacceptable,” Caleb said without a beat and without looking over at the man. The man grumbled something about ‘kids these days’ but didn’t say anything else. Ben sat on Caleb’s lap for the rest of the evening out of spite. It wasn’t the first time they had been told off for being openly affectionate in public. Ben held Caleb’s hand everywhere, almost like he was afraid if he let go Caleb would disappear. Again. There were still barriers to work through for the both of them. Caleb was cautious with Ben, gentler than he needed to be. It was how they were growing and healing, and for them, that was working.

“So you’re still going for Yale,” Caleb said when they finally headed out to make the short walk to Ben’s house.

“Yeah,” Ben replied. “The Yale Project is going to finally get some real use.”

“That’s gonna take a lot of work,” Caleb warned.

“What? Getting in or staying in?”

“Both.”

“I can handle it.”

“I know, but just… don’t spread yourself to thin, alright?” Caleb said.

“Yes, sir!” Ben mocked as they continued their walk.

“I like that. Sir,” Caleb repeated. “Captain’s better though.”

“Mhmm,” Ben hummed. They talked about school most of the way home. Caleb’s car was parked across the street, and he made a beeline for it once it was within eyesight.

“You sure you don’t wanna come in?” Ben asked.

“Sam’s there. Probably better if I don’t.” That was true. The rift between Caleb and Sam was still there, despite their singular conversation regarding Ben and Caleb’s relationship. Caleb and Sam had been dodging each other like bullets all summer and had successfully managed to not see the other at all during the months Sam was back.

The next morning was chaotic. Ben felt refreshed for the start of a new school session, but exhausted at the prospect of having a whole year before he graduated. But Caleb was right. It was just one more year then he was out for good. How strange it was to be where he was now, all the way from where he started. Everything felt like it had gone by so fast. That’s what everyone always said it would feel like. They were right, of course, he just couldn’t see it at the time.

“Let’s go, _princesa_!” Javier shouted, honking his horn loudly from outside. Sam poked his head into the guest bedroom where Ben was finishing getting ready.

“I guess that’s your que to go!” Sam said. His school was starting at the same time as Ben this year, since the school year had been bumped up so it started almost a week and a half earlier than usual. It was meant to ensure that potential snow days wouldn’t extend the school year too far into the summer, though Ben failed to see how cutting into summer earlier would fix the problem of school ending later, but it wasn’t up to him so he wouldn’t concern himself with it.

“ _Vámonos_!” Javier called out, practically leaning out the window. “I think Dora should have taught you that one by now!”

“Ms. Elwood is going to give me another call if he keeps shouting like that,” Sam sighed. “I’ll be gone when you get back. Me and Alice the Car are leaving in about an hour. This is your last year. Are you excited?”

“Yes!”

“I’m so proud of you, Ben.”

“Thank you,” Ben replied. Everything about their moment together felt real and wholesome. He was proud of Ben, despite all the trouble he had put him through, and Ben was glad Sam was proud of him. There was a part of Ben that wished Sam could stay with him for the whole year, to see how everything played out, but sometimes people had to leave for part of the journey, and Ben could accept that, even if he didn’t want to.

“You and I have Health, Gym, and Civics together,” Javier said as they walked across The Quad to get to the Secondary building. Health was always held in the same classroom every semester on the first floor. Ben knew because he had tried to take it last year, but had to drop it at the last minute to make room for a pre-requisite that wouldn’t be offered next year. He had gotten through a week of class before the change, so Ben was expecting to just get a recap of the same spiel from the same teacher as last year. He did not expect what was actually going to happen.

“Holy fuck,” Javier said when he entered the room with Ben. Ben wasn’t sure why until he saw a bearded face at the front of the classroom.

“There’s no way-”

“Did I forget to mention,” Caleb said, as he distributed an Ice-Breaker paper onto Ben’s desk, “that I got a Teaching Assistant position for the whole year. Health _and_ gym.”

Ben was sure Javier was rolling his eyes because he could hear the sound of Ben’s heart pounding.

2

School got equal parts more interesting and more difficult with the addition of Caleb to the school’s teaching staff. On the one hand, he got to see Caleb every day at school, in Health and Gym class, which was a dream come true. On the other hand, he was constantly distracted by Caleb during both classes and that was not an expected issue to have in the two easiest classes the school had to offer. There was also the added issue of having to keep his relationship with Caleb a secret. Teaching Assistant’s weren’t exactly encouraged to have relationships with students, no matter what harlequin romance novels claimed.

“Need any extra help after class,” Caleb said, raising his eyebrows to Ben at the end of the day, when both had ended with Gym class.

“Not from you,” Ben said as he looked around to make sure no one else was in the room. “And you could be a little more subtle in class.”

“Your ass looks nice when you run, am I supposed to _not_ watch it?”

“Only if you don’t want me to get expelled and you to get fired.”

The gym was completely empty as Ben turned to go to the locker room, and Caleb followed him as he went. The inside of the locker room was just clearing out when Ben arrived, and when Caleb showed up it was totally empty, so he meandered over to the exit door and casually locked it before returning to where Ben was changing.

“If you get fired I’m not gonna-” Ben started, but he was cut off by Caleb pressing him against the cold wall as he went in for a deep kiss. There was a desire in Ben to tell off his boyfriend for pressing him, the shirtless one, against the cold tile, but he was warming up. Caleb’s hand traveled to Ben’s legs so one was lifted up around Caleb’s waist. Both of their breathing was getting heavy as Caleb pressed closer and closer.

“Brewster!” A shout echoed through the gymnasium and into the locker room. Ben dropped himself from Caleb as fast as he could and ducked into one of the shower holes before the actual gym teacher came into the room. There were, technically, working showers in the locker room, but since students only got out of gym five minutes before the bell rang, and they only had six minutes of crossing time to get to their next class, no one actually used them except for in the winter when snowstorms cut out people’s power and they wanted a hot shower. Even then, it was rare, so the shower Ben jumped into was dry and had two spider webs inside it that he was desperately trying to avoid as he shuffled to get changed in a quiet and timely manner.

“All the hellions out?” Mr. Scott asked as he marched into the locker room. Caleb must have nodded, because Scott continued as though no one was listening. “You seem to be fitting right in with these kids.”

“I knew a lot of their siblings when I went here, so I’m sure some of them already know me,” Caleb responded. He sounded more professional than usual, but then he might have been putting on a show because Ben was listening.

“Yeah, you and that Tallmadge kid’s brother were close. Boy, he’s a handful compared to Sam.”

“How d’you mean?” Caleb asked. Ben was interested in the answer as well and found himself pressed closer to the shower curtain to hear every word.

“He’s always been a problem kid. Not in a trouble-making kind of way, but in a disrespectful way. You see the way he follows instructions. You tell him to do something, he does the opposite.”

“I think he just thinks what he’s doing is a better way.”

“Exactly. He thinks he’s ‘better and smarter’ than all his teachers. Benedict has the same problem. It’s a daily debate with him.”

“If I remember Benedict Arnold correctly, that might not be entirely Ben’s fault.”

“You’re too soft on him,” Scott said. Caleb didn’t object to that, and Ben wouldn’t have either. It was true, after all. “You told him to stop running and talk to you about Fitness Testing and he ran another lap anyway.”

“He wanted to get to an even number.”

“I know what he wanted, but he’s not in charge. The same thing happened with me two days ago. I told him to do an upper body workout instead of running, and he got on a treadmill anyway. It’s not about him doing what he wants, it’s about him proving he can get away with anything.”

That wasn’t true. Not the way Ben saw it. He didn’t listen to Scott because Scott intentionally made him do things he didn’t want to do. No one else ever got told they used the treadmill too much, so why should he stop using it. He liked running better than weights.

“Scott, that might be a stretch. I grew up with Ben. He’s not like that-”

“Not when you were his friend. But you’re an authority figure now. You need to let all that go and start demanding his full attention or he’ll walk all over you, like he does with all his other teachers. You’re the adult here, not him.”

There were footsteps that turned to silence as Scott walked out of the locker, and across the gym. Ben waited until he heard the gym door slam shut before he came out of the shower. He still hadn’t gotten dressed yet, but it didn’t matter too much to him at the moment.

“Has he always been this much of an asshole?” Caleb asked. He was trying to diffuse the situation, which was kind of him, but Ben wasn’t feeling it.

“I’m not a problem student,” Ben said firmly.

“Yeah, I know. But, maybe, just try to follow orders better.”

“Orders? Caleb, this is high school, not the military!”

“You know what I mean,” Caleb sighed. This was awkward for all parties involved. “Just, for my sake, if I ask you to do something in class can you just do it.”

Ben rolled his eyes as he threw on his jeans and shirt. Still, he understood where Caleb was coming from. If Ben refused to listen, then it would be Caleb on the line for not being strict enough with him.

“Only for you. I’m still going on the treadmill when Scott tells me not too. And I’m _not_ letting Arnold teach another class on Reverse Racism in America.”

“Fair enough,” Caleb agreed, but he sounded concerned. Ben was upset, and he knew it. No one had ever called him a problem student before. He always thought of himself as more a model student than anything else. His other teachers might think the same thing and that hurt in a way Ben hadn’t ever felt before. People he respected might look down on him.

“Hey, are you listening?” Caleb said as they walked to the gym door.

“No,” Ben answered honestly.

“I’m coming to your place when I finish up here. You don’t have track so we have the whole evening. That work?”

Ben nodded and kept walking.

“What took you so long?” Javier asked when Ben finally exited the locker room. “It’s been like a month!”

“Yeah,” Ben said in an absent-minded kind of way.

“What happened? Is Caleb being shitty again?” Javier and Ben walked side by side to Javier’s car.

“No, just… something Scott said.”

“To you?”

“To Caleb about me.”

Ben told Javier what had happened in the locker room during the drive home. Javier didn’t seem surprised about Scott’s accusation, which bothered Ben.

“You do have a problem with authority though. Just this summer we got pulled over for speeding and you almost talked the police officer into giving himself a ticket. He let us go just to shut you up.”

“Thanks, Javier. I feel so much better now,” Ben remarked dryly.

“All I’m saying is I know where he’s coming from, but that doesn’t make you a bad student. You get all A’s don’t you? And you’re gonna go to Yale next year-”

“Hopefully.”

“Definitely. So relax. Who cares what Scott the Stupid thinks?”

“It’s not about- I don’t know,” Ben trailed off.

“Oh… It’s about what Caleb thinks, isn’t it?”

“No!”

“Yes it is! He’s only ever heard about you being the best little student and now he’s hearing all the dirty little details of your school life that you didn’t want him to know about! That’s it, isn’t it?”

“That’s not- Whatever you want to think,” Ben replied.

“You’re overthinking this, _princesa._ As usual.”

“I never overthink, you just underplan.”

“English is my second language, but even I know that’s not a real word. You made that up.”

“All words are made up, Javier,” Ben sighed.

“I mean, I guess that’s true. Little bit deep for a car ride, but true,” Javier said as he pulled in front of Ben’s house. Ben smiled and said his good-bye’s as he walked into the house. He barely had time to make himself a bowl of cereal before Caleb came sauntering into the house. He also poured a bowl of cereal before parking himself right next to Ben on the couch.

“You still look upset,” Caleb said.

“I’m not.”

“That’s exactly what someone who’s still upset says.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Caleb.”

“Alright, but it’s true. Why does this bother you so much? Scott and Arnold never got along with you.”

“OK, but I didn’t know you agreed with them,” Ben said with bite. Caleb wasn’t quite sure what to do with that.

“I never said I agreed with him, Ben. Did you miss the whole part of our conversation when I tried to defend you?”

“No. No…” Ben mumbled, thinking back to Caleb’s comments in the locker room. He had made at least some effort to set Scott straight. “Not that you couldn’t have tried harder.”

“Right, after you literally just told me to tone it down so people don’t find out about us, you wanted me to go off on Scott about his opinion of you,” Caleb said as he got up to put his empty bowl in the sink. Ben’s cereal had gone soft from not eating it, but he kept it in his hand anyway. Caleb came back and took it from him, then took Ben’s hands into his own.

“Ben, you don’t need to be perfect all the time. Some people aren’t going to like you, and sometimes they’re going to be right for feeling that way. Scott was an asshole today, and you’re not what he says you are, but you do have problems in school. They’re the same problems you’ve always had. You don’t get along with people.”

Caleb had told him that before, at the pool Sophomore year. He’d said he didn’t try to get along with people. Ben had thought he’d outgrown that. He had Caleb, and Javier, and his track teammates were friendly with him. But his soccer team was still distant, and he was by himself more often than not. It was strange how fast Scott had been able to make Ben feel small again; to make him feel like someone on the outside looking in. He’d thought that had gone away too.

“It’s not like I’m not trying,” Ben said, though he knew it sounded more like whining. Caleb raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Just, from what I can see, that might not be as true as you’re telling yourself it is.”

“Maybe I just don’t want to best friends with everyone in school. I’m not you, Caleb.”

“I’m not saying you have to be tight with every person you meet, but you need to make an effort to be friendlier. No one is intentionally out to get you.”

“Except Bradford.”

“OK, yeah-”

“And Arnold.”

“Maybe a little bit, sure-”

“And Scott.”

“So some people are out to get you,” Caleb said in an exasperated way, but he was smiling, and Ben was too. Just a little bit. “But a _majority_ of people are on your side until you give them a reason not to be.”

“But I’m not a problem student, Caleb.”

“Of course you’re not,” Caleb sighed before he seemed to do a quick double take. “Ben, I don’t think that.”

“OK.”

“I don’t. Why does this matter so much to you?” Caleb asked, and he slide closer to Ben on the couch so Ben was virtually on top of him.

“You’re supposed to think I’m incredible.”

“You are,” Caleb said, pressing his nose against Ben’s. “But you’re not perfect. I was so afraid of being with you because I thought all my flaws and mistakes would turn you away, but they didn’t. You didn’t have to ignore all of that to care about me, and I don’t have to do the same to you. I’m a failure at relationships. You can’t make any friends. And we’re perfect for each other anyway.”

Ben was going to say something else, but Caleb closed the gap between them, and Ben was thankful. Some things never needed to be said to be understood.

The kiss got deeper and deeper until Ben was completely lying down with Caleb between his legs. His jeans felt too tight as Caleb totally claimed his mouth with his own. Ben’s hands were in their favourite spot, woven into the curls of Caleb’s hair, while Caleb had one hand on Ben’s shoulder and one on Ben’s waist. Caleb kept his mouth pressed against Ben’s while his hips moved, very gently, between Ben’s legs until the urge was too strong and Ben thrust his hips up. Caleb sat up from Ben in a hurry. There was a moment of Ben looking up at Caleb without moving as he mulled the situation over.

“You’re not leaving this time, are you,” Ben said more than asked.

“I’m never leaving, Ben. Problem student or not.”

Ben bit his lip and took a deep breath, then stood up and held out his hand to Caleb.

“Come with me,” he said, and Caleb took his hand. Ben led him up the stairs and into through the trapdoor to his bedroom in the attic. It was pristine, and clean, and somewhere Ben always felt safe. When Caleb made his way up, and the door was shut, Ben returned to kissing Caleb. There was an understanding on Caleb’s part. He was being trusted to have a physical relationship with Ben without leaving. He was being given another chance to do this the right way.

Caleb ran his hands to the back of Ben’s head and gripped his exceptionally long hair a little tighter than he needed to. It occurred to Ben that Caleb was nervous. Ben was too, but for different reasons. Caleb wanted this to be perfect. Ben wanted this to not be the end.

Clothes came off slowly this time. Ben took off his own shirt, and Caleb did the same before he went to unbutton Ben’s jeans. They didn’t keep their faces connected the whole time. They weren’t afraid the other would suddenly tell them to stop, and even if they did, they would listen. This was meant to be something comfortable.

When they had both finally removed all their clothes, Caleb sat down on the bed, and Ben sat on his lap as their mouths found each other again. They were like that for a while, Ben leaning down to meet Caleb’s face, his hands pressed across Caleb’s ears so his fingertips dipped into his hair as the two moved against each other in a seated position. Only when Ben started breathing heavy did Caleb lay Ben down and settle on top of him. Caleb was gifted with his hands. They always knew where to go and how long to stay there. Ben was not so ambitious, but he did move his mouth away and down so he could give Caleb a proper hickey on the side of his neck. Caleb leaned into Ben as he did so, pressing his head onto the pillow as Ben continued to suck and worry that spot on his neck.

For the longest time they stayed that way. Just touching, and kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies in a way they had never gotten to do before. But before too long Ben was back to bucking his hips and Caleb was breathing too heavy to be entirely healthy. Not to say that Caleb ever expected anything to happen, but he was never one to be left unprepared, and he had with him a condom and travel lube. This time, however, he was sober, and could accurately put on the condom and open the lube without spilling it. Caleb opened it, but stopped before he did anything else.

“We don’t have to do this,” he said, his eyes meeting Ben’s.

“I’m not doing it because I feel like I have to. I’m doing it because I want to.”

“Then why the fuck am I not inside you yet,” Caleb grinned, and slid his fingers inside of Ben. He went slower than he needed to, and he seemed to enjoy watching Ben fidget and squirm at the lack of friction. Ben only bucked once, though that was still one too many times in his opinion, but before he knew it Caleb’s fingers were gone from inside him and his legs were being spread further apart.

“Ready?” Caleb asked, his face pressed nose to nose with Ben. Ben could only nod as he felt he wouldn’t be able to say anything coherent if he opened his mouth. Caleb was so close, and he was so hard, and his fingers were shaking with anticipation. Ben’s head tilted back as Caleb pushed into him, but he didn’t miss Caleb shutting his eyes and biting his lip as he entered. He was as eager as Ben was.

“God you feel good,” Caleb mumbled as he began the process of slowly pulling in and out. Ben moaned in reply and raised his hips to meet Caleb’s as he pushed back in. He was going to make every effort to keep up with Caleb this time.

It wasn’t long before the speed of the act had picked up and Ben was finding it difficult to move, let alone match pace. His vision was starting to get blurry and he couldn’t keep his eyes open when Caleb leaned his mouth right next to Ben’s ear so he could hear every moan and groan. Both Caleb’s hands reached up and grasped Ben’s wrists, holding both down over Ben’s head so he couldn’t move them. He felt a heat rising everywhere inside of him and wrapped his legs around Caleb’s waist just to stop them from shaking so much. Ben gasped deeply as Caleb let out an intoxicating sigh and turned his head sharply to the left. The heat built in his stomach and then spread out to every part of his body as he came to the sound of Caleb panting in his ear. Caleb followed him almost immediately and shuddered against Ben’s body.

When Caleb finally pulled out and collapsed beside Ben, he almost didn’t notice the two arms wrapping tightly around his own left arm.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, turning to look at Ben directly.

“Just in case,” Ben mumbled. Caleb smiled in understanding then wrapped both of his arms around Ben, for good measure.

3

“You’re nineteen and you still don’t have one, so I thought of it as a public service,” Caleb said, handing over the card to Ben, who sighed in exasperation as he saw his face staring up at him.

“I think Javier would appreciate a fake ID more than me, to be perfectly honest.”

“Yeah, well he is more than welcome to pay me for one. See, you get it for free because we’re dating. That’s how it works,” Caleb explained as he climbed into the car. “Now move with a purpose! I have exactly seventeen bars on the list for tonight Birthday Boy, so we’d better start now.”

“Seventeen- Caleb, what happened to a lowkey birthday?” Ben asked, even though he was already climbing into the car.

“I ignored that request. Maybe next year. You need to get wasted your senior year. It’s tradition.”

“Since when?”

“Right now. Let’s go!” Caleb shouted as he speed out of the driveway. Ben admired the ID on the short drive. Fake ID’s were one of Caleb’s newest specialties. He’d made one for himself and Sam when they were in high school, but he’d recently discovered how much money he could make off selling them and it was worth the potential to be fired and arrested, according to him. He’d only sold them to a few students at school, but the whole student body apparently had a new found respect for their assistant gym and health teacher. Even without being a student Caleb made friends with everyone: students, teachers, janitors, and everyone else in the school. It was just a touch infuriating to Ben that it was so easy for Caleb. But he had taken Caleb’s advice and he was trying to be agreeable. He was making an effort to get along with his teachers and fellow students, though he had still run laps instead of doing discus throws with the rest of the gym class, and he’d gotten into a difficult argument with the administration over standardized testing after Javier was refused entrance from the SAT’s because the school board had accidentally put his middle name on the test instead of his last name and the two needed to match. At the end of the day, though, Caleb, Javier, and Sam were the only people Ben really cared about getting along with, so he was trying to not be bothered by Scott’s under-breathed comments after class. But he did still make Caleb tell him everything any of the teachers said about him. Most of it wasn’t the greatest, but none of it was awful.

“Margaritaville!” Caleb shouted as they arrived at the first bar on his list. When they entered Caleb went right up to the bar tender and ordered a drink for himself and Ben. “We’re celebrating his 21st!” Caleb added when they got the drinks. Ben was tall enough, and mature enough looking, that the bartender seemed to buy it.

At every bar they went to Caleb loudly announced how it was Ben’s 21st birthday and they ended up getting quite a few free drinks because of it. On the pro side, they got free alcohol, but on the con side they were past tipsy by the time they got to the 10th bar. After doing a round of shots at the 12th bar they called it quits and took a walk in the park to try and sober up before going home.

They giggled and laughed at the things they passed in the park on their walk. A tree that looked like a person, a squirrel that looked too fat, a dog that was more-or-less walking its owner as opposed to the other way around: All of this was rather amusing under the cover of darkness in their intoxicated stupor.

When they finally were too exhausted to keep walking they laid down in the center of the park, where people played Frisbee during the day, and looked up at the stars.

“That’s Orion. He only comes out during the winter months,” Ben slurred. He wasn’t sure if it was Orion or not, but he saw three stars in a row and that was how he usually identified that constellation, so he went for it with his claim.

“He’s the archer, yeah?” Caleb asked, obviously trying to see what Ben was looking at.

“Yeah. He’s one of the easiest constellations to find. Besides the big dipper. And maybe Cassiopeia.”

“She’s the upside down one. The one that just looks like a squiggly line. I remember that from that movie. What was it…?”

“ _Serendipity_ ,” Ben said.

“What is that?” Caleb asked.

“What? Serendipity?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s… Happy accidents, I guess,” Ben mumbled, trying to cognitively put the concept of serendipity into words.

“What would you call and unhappy accident, I wonder?” Caleb asked.

“We don’t have a word for that yet,” Ben said.

“I like that.”

“What?”

“The way you phrased that. We don’t have one _yet_. It’s just like you to give possibility to anything.”

Ben smiled, and reached out his hand to hold Caleb’s.

“Why don’t we make one up? A word, that is,” Ben said once Caleb took his hand.

“Grumblgok,” Caleb suggested.

“Sadistry,” Ben added.

“Ungladia.”

“Derensipity.”

“Resednitipy.”

“I love you,” Ben said.

“I love you,” Caleb repeated, just before both of them passed out in the park.

4

It was six o’clock in the morning when Ben woke up in the grass and looked at his clock. The park was still mostly dark, and cold, but a jogger going by looked like he was judging both Ben and Caleb as he ran around the perimeter of the grassy area that the pair had fallen asleep in.

“Caleb,” Ben said, shaking his boyfriend as he did. His head hurt and his mouth was dry, and both of them were lucky they hadn’t been arrested. “Caleb, it’s morning!”

Caleb took a few minutes to wake up. He had drunk more than Ben the night before and was in significantly worse shape.

“What happened?” he asked once his was in a sitting position, his hand pressed to the side of his head. “When did we get to the park?”

“Last night, I guess. We took a walk, I think,” Ben said, bits and pieces of last night returning to him. There was something important hidden in last night, he could feel it, he just couldn’t remember what it was.

“Shit. My head is killing me,” Caleb complained as he stood up. “My stomach is worse though. I need to eat, stat.”

“I can cook when we get to my house,” Ben suggested.

“Fuck no. There’s a Waffle House right here.”

There was a Waffle House right in front of them and Ben couldn’t have been happier. Partly because he didn’t want to cook, but also because he had to use the bathroom more than he’d realized.

“What are we getting-”

“Waffles,” Caleb interrupted. “You don’t go to Waffle House unless you’re getting waffles.”

“So, what, I can’t get anything else?”

“Do you _want_ anything else?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Then what’s the problem?” Caleb said sarcastically as the waiter arrived. “Two chocolate chip waffles and two glasses of water with lemon on the side,” he said before the waiter even had time ask.

“Are we really at that stage in our relationship where you can order for me?”

“Yup,” Caleb said, but he paused after he said it. He looked like he remembered something.

“Are you alright?” Ben asked, folding up the menu he hadn’t actually been looking up to lean over the table. “Are you gonna be sick?”

“Huh? Oh no, I just- Don’t worry about it,” Caleb said dismissively, but Ben wasn’t convinced, and opted to stare at Caleb judgmentally from across the table in anticipation of a better answer.

“It’s just something that happened last night,” Caleb eventually admitted. Ben wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“Is it something I did?”

“No. I mean, yes, but it’s not bad. I mean, not really, I guess.”

“What did I do?”

“Oh look, our food’s here!” Caleb exclaimed two plates of food and two drinks were brought to their table. The food looked amazing, but Ben felt on the spot and awkward. He had done a few strange things before when he was drunk. On one particular occasion with Javier he had become convinced that his nose was too large and pulled his shirt up to hide it for the rest of the evening. There had been some smoking that happened before that, however, in addition to the alcohol. But he had never done anything particularly absurd in front of Caleb. Except maybe have sex with him in a frat house Freshman year. In hindsight, whatever had happened couldn’t be worse than that, which calmed Ben at least a little.

They ate their food in silence, Ben mulling over all the potential things he could have done. He could have hit on someone else, even kissed someone else. He could have gotten hit on by someone else, or stolen something, or pretended to be someone he’s not. He could have sung karaoke, or danced on a table, or thrown up on someone. But none of that seemed familiar to Ben. Finally, Ben heard a sigh from the other end of the table as Caleb looked up from his food.

“You said you love me.”

That was not what Ben was expecting. Of all the terrible things he’d imagined, he hadn’t prepared himself for that.

“Oh,” Ben managed.

“Do you?” Caleb asked in a soft voice that didn’t sound like his.

“Yes.” That was the easy part of this. “I’ve loved you since the day I started middle school and you told me I was the most spectacular person you’d ever met. I loved you from then to now and I never stopped, not ever, not once. I wouldn’t have kept coming back to you if I hadn’t.”

Caleb was quiet longer than Ben wanted him to be.

“Of all the people in the world to love, you had to choose me, didn’t you?” He finally said.

“Yes. The world didn’t give me much choice in the matter.”

“Even after I gave you every reason not to…” Caleb trailed off. He was playing with the butter on his waffle, moving it back and forth in a monotonous way. It occurred to Ben, then, that this was the real test of whether Caleb would leave or not. He had assumed that that was over. They’d had sex, and he hadn’t left, and he thought that was it, but sex didn’t always mean two people were close. This - this intimate conversation - was the last moment Caleb could walk away from. It wasn’t sex that drove Caleb away. It was love and everything that came with it. And Ben was frightened again.

“I’ve loved you a much shorter time that you’ve loved me, but I do love you,” Caleb finally said, and it was like the whole of the ocean had washed over Ben. It was finally done. “I’ve loved you since you since you waved to me in the driveway that day my Senior year when everything fell apart. I’d shouted at you, and Sam had screamed at me, and you still waved, and no one’s ever treated me like that before. You didn’t give up on me. You never did. Every time I fucked up you came back, and I never deserved that but you did it anyway and I love you for that. I love you for writing me letters. I love you for coming to the pool every day I was working. I love you for staying when you really should have left. I love you for seeing something in me that I can’t and don’t see.”

Ben knew from extensive Google searches that should the world ever suddenly stop spinning anything not attached to bedrock would lurch forward in the same way a person does when the brakes are suddenly hit on a speeding car. And yet, despite this knowledge, Ben was convinced this had happened. The world had stopped spinning just long enough to give him these moments, these precious seconds with Caleb where nothing was happening. No movement, no sound, no speech, no spinning. Just a second of satisfaction before the earth began to turn again at a hundred miles per hour.

“I love you,” Ben said.

“I love you,” Caleb returned. From inside the Waffle House Ben looked out the window and saw the sun rising. The world was spinning again, and the sun was only just set behind a few seconds.

5

“Last day! All grown up now, aren’t’cha Benny!” Caleb said, moving through the house like a summer breeze. Ben had been here before. He’d seen this moment.

“I’ve been grown up since the day I was born,” Ben replied from the futon in the spare room, echoing the words his brother had used almost four years. He remembered that day so well it almost hurt to think about. Time had a way of making meaningless moments powerful.

“It went by so fast, didn’t it Benny?”

“Yes. I just didn’t notice it at the time,” Ben said as he fixed his gown on over his dress shirt and dark pants. It had gone by in a blur, but so many things had happened that at times it seemed not enough time had passed for so many events to occur. He’d changed in so many ways, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and he still had so much growth left to do. How did humans stand the constant change that life brings?

“You’re brother coming soon?” Caleb asked as he adjusted his own shirt collar. He’d dressed particularly nice for the occasion of Ben’s graduation.

“He left earlier this morning, probably to buy me flowers. He’ll be here any minute now to drive me up.”

“I’d better get out of here before he shows up then,” Caleb said, giving Ben a quick kiss before heading for the door.

“Wait, Caleb, stay,” Ben said, grabbing onto Caleb’s arm.

“Stay?”

“It’s been three years since what happened. I’m tired of sneaking both of you around each other. Today, just today, for me, can you try to be around each other.”

Ben had always believed that Sam and Caleb would find their way back to each other someday, but it had never happened. Caleb had told Ben that some people were going is such different direction with their lives that they might as well be strangers, and that seemed to be the way with Caleb and Sam. But there were parts of Ben that were sick and tired of change and just wanted something to go back to the way it was. The two of them had to at least learn to be around each other.

“Alice is all ready for you… Hi Caleb,” Sam said when he walked into the house. Caleb nodded his head and gave a polite smile before turning to get Ben’s cap from the nightstand in the corner of the room. Sam shot Ben a look of confusion which was greeted by a look of pleading by Ben. Sam sighed, understanding what Ben wanted, then brought what he was carrying into the kitchen. Whatever it was was wrapped up in several plastic shopping bags, but Ben could almost guess that it was a cake for him.

“Ready to go?” Sam asked when he appeared back in the spare guest room doorway. He was obviously avoiding eye contact with Caleb, but he couldn’t ignore that he was there. Sam was too nice for that. “If you’re going up to the school, we might as well all go together,” Sam said to Caleb.

“Alright. Gotta save the earth from those carbon emissions,” Caleb replied. Sam laughed, just slightly, in that way where people let more air out of their nose than usual, and headed out to the car. Caleb side-eyed Ben as the trio climbed into Sam’s small green car. Ben talked to both of them equally on the car ride up to the school, but neither Sam nor Caleb initiated any more conversation between themselves. Ben knew this was awkward and uncomfortable, but it had been exhausting pretending to not know one of them when the other was around. He had earned the right to force them into an uncomfortable situation.

Graduation was outside again, just like at Sam’s, but it felt brighter and better this year. The graduation ceremony was long and tedious, especially given that Ben had been at rehearsals for it for the past week. At Setauket High School seniors finished school about a week before graduation, but that week was spent with a full rehearsal of how the graduation would go. It was usually about getting the formatting right for what groups would come up to the stage to get their diploma and which groups would sit and wait. There were people holding batons on either side of the stage that would signal when the whole group would sit, and when they would stand, then, as diplomas were called, students were sent up to the stage one row at a time. It did look exceptionally professional during the actual graduation, Ben had to admit, but for the most part he found the whole thing tedious and unnecessary.

One part of the ceremony Ben did like, however, was the dressing of the graduates. Each student was given a white cap and gown, but there were special items worn by students in according to their accomplishments. Ben’s accessories were a two colored cords, one signifying his being a part of the Massachusetts Honor Society, and one signifying his being a part of the National Honor Society. He additionally had three pins, one for his strong academics, one for his soccer award, and one for his track award. He had been elected co-captain of his soccer team with Bradford, but when Bradford’s grades dropped too low Ben was made head captain. Javier was captain of the cross country team, but he relied heavily on Ben for insight throughout the year. Through his high grades and exceptional work ethic Ben had made it to being Salutatorian for his class. He knew that the honor of Valedictorian couldn’t have gone to anyone but Robert Townsend, who had been in line for that position since freshman year, but he was pleased with himself for all the work he had done to get where he was now. He had been working on his speech since the middle of the year, when it became clear that no one was going to match him for grades and GPA, and he thought he finally had something worth saying.

“Good afternoon Setauket High School. I know we’re all excited to get out of these gowns and enjoy our freedom as legal adults, so I’ll make this as brief as I can. These past four years have been incredible. I’ve changed, and grown, and learned so much, but the thing is, none of that really came from my academics. It’s strange how we go to school for four years, but we never remember quadratic formula or the elements on the periodic table. Instead we remember the people we knew, and the memories we made with them. I remember the way the air smelled when I left for my first day of school. I remember how loud everything was at my first house party. I remember how out of place I felt at my first college party. I remember the sight of my brother’s car all packed up the day he left home. I remember how much it hurt when I lost my first soccer game. I kept asking myself why I remembered all of that, but not the Doppler Effect or sine, cosine, and tangent and I realized it’s because those are what actually matter. School is really nothing more than an excuse to get kids out of the house and off the streets for six hours a day. Almost all of what they teach you here will never be useful to you again. But what you _learned_ here - from your friends, from you accidents, from your actions – that’s what matters. People are going to tell you that right now is when your life starts, but that’s not true. You exist, therefore you have lived. The next chapter of your life starts now, for sure, but what happened here mattered and it shaped us into who we are, and who we’re going to be. So go grow, and change, and learn some more, and keep making memories. They’re the most valuable things we have. Congratulations, and have an incredible life.”

“You were brilliant, Benny!” Caleb said when all was said and done. “I swear the lady next to me was tearing up.”

“I’d say he was lying, but that lady was honestly crying, at least about something,” Sam said when he showed up. They’d sat together. They’d done it for Ben, and he knew it, and he loved them for it. “These are for you, my soon to be college-brother.”

Sam handed Ben flowers and a balloon with Congrats written in large letters. Ben felt conspicuous with them, but not out of place. Right now was one of the few times were Ben felt he truly belonged.

“I’ve got cake waiting for you at home, too,” Sam said. “Do you want to come?” He was asking Caleb, who nodded enthusiastically.

“I’m invited too, I imagine?” Javier said as he walked up to the three of them.

“Javier! Always a pleasure,” Sam said, shaking his hand. “Congratulations!”

“Yeah, I’m statistically average. Woo hoo.”

“You’re definitely welcome to come if you want to,” Ben said.

“I would love to come,” Javier said, and he sounded like he meant it. It hadn’t escaped Ben’s notice that none of Javier’s family were at his graduation. Sometimes people found a way around the things that bothered them so they didn’t have to feel anything. This seemed to be one of those times for Javier. He was taking what was ‘good enough’, and Ben understood that. He’d been there before.

6

“It’s here!” Sam all but shrieked as he ran into the living room. Ben and Caleb were comfortably situated on the couch, but the moment Sam came in both of them were up. They knew what he was talking about. In his hand Sam had a letter from Yale that was addressed to a Benjamin Tallmadge. Ben practically climbed over Caleb to snatch the letter from Sam’s hand, but Caleb grabbed him by the waist and tugged him back.

“No, no, no! We have to do this right,” he said as he cut in front of Ben and grabbed the letter before Sam or Ben could react. “Lemme get a candle!”

“A candle?” Sam cried. “Are you crazy? We can’t burn it!”

“Not to burn! To set the mood! As a good omen!” Caleb shouted as he ran to the kitchen. Sam rolled his eyes and flopped down on the couch beside Ben. Things between Caleb and Sam had gotten better, but there was so much distance between the two of them. If they had to be around each other because of Ben’s intervention, they could be pleasant and agreeable and almost friendly, but not quite. For the most part they acted like the other didn’t exist; like they were something only Ben could see.

Caleb returned a few minutes later to the living room, where Sam was waiting in an exasperated way and Ben was bouncing his legs up and down feverishly to get out his overloaded energy. While Caleb had not found exactly what he was looking for, he did return with one solitary birthday candle that had been jammed into a slice of bread for balance. He set it on the coffee table before handing the letter to Ben. Well, almost handing it. Ben had it graze his fingertips before Caleb jerked it back.

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Yes!” Ben shouted, swiping to get the letter back but failing.

“I mean this is a big decision,” Caleb mocked, dangling the letter out of Ben’s reach. “Sure you don’t need to nap-it-out first.”

“Caleb!”

“I always take a nap before getting any important news.”

“Brewster, give me that letter!” Ben sighed as impatience and agitation filled every inch of him. His future was in that letter. Years of working and waiting and hoping were in that letter. All he had to do was open it.

“Alright, go on then,” Caleb finally said as he handed the letter over to Ben’s eager hands. It felt so small for something so important. Ben ran his fingers across the top and ripped it open, then paused before pulling the letter out. He looked to Caleb, who gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up and a winning smile, then to Sam, who meet eyes with Ben and gave a small nod. He looked sad, in a way. Ben was almost afraid it was because he thought the letter would be bad news, but it occurred to him, just before he tugged the letter out, that it was for the opposite reason. This was the end of a part of Ben’s life, and that was hard for Sam. Growing up was hard to do, but harder, sometimes, to watch. Change, in any incarnation, hurt. Sam was just usually better at pretending he didn’t feel that pain.

“I’m in,” Ben said in his soft, whispered voice. There was a silence then an uproar. Caleb tackled Ben onto the couch with a hug that encompassed the whole of both their existences. When he was done Sam took Ben into a softer hug, but Ben still caught his eyes which were glossed over with tears. This was one of those moments that they would all remember. They would talk about it, think about it. This moment was already a memory.

“I’m gonna put this in the Yale Project! Gimme a sec!” Ben called as he got up from the hullabaloo at the couch. “I think I left it in my room!”

“I’ll order pizza!” Caleb called after him, always considering pizza the perfect celebration meal. He had a friend at Domino’s who just had to be told ‘We’re celebrating’ by Caleb and he would put in an order for one large cheese pizza, two large hot wings, and one Cinnastix.

It was a matter of moments before Ben reached his room, grabbed the folder and was headed downstairs to rejoin his boyfriend and brother, but the silence in the room between Caleb and Sam that had lasted since Ben left the room was interrupted by a private confession from Sam.

“I’ve missed you,” he said. Ben stopped just before the doorway and shifted himself completely out of sight so he could listen.

“What?” Caleb managed.

“I missed you. I missed Celebration Pizza, and aggressive bear-hugs, and jokes that only we understand, and everything, I guess,” Sam said like there was a hiccup caught in his throat. There was a dead silence that lead into a question: “What happened to us, Caleb?”

“We grew up. Well, you did. I was never as quick as you.”

“Yeah,” Sam said absentmindedly.

“And I screwed up,” Caleb continued. “I do that a lot. You did the right thing, letting all of that go. Pizza and inside jokes don’t make what I did worth staying friends over.”

“Ben stayed.”

“And I love him for that.” Ben felt his face get hot. He liked that Caleb told other people that.

“You screwed up pretty bad, Caleb. You hurt Ben, you hurt me, and you’ve caused both of us a lot of grief for three years.”

“I know,” Caleb said like it pained him.

“But,” Sam articulated, “I think it’s been long enough that I’m ready to forgive you. Caleb, I’m tired of stepping on eggshells around each other, and I’m exhausted from missing you when you’re right in front of me.”

“We can’t go back to how things were before,” Caleb said, and Ben marveled at how mature Caleb sounded. Caleb from three years ago, from even one year ago, would have died for a chance to just go back to how things used to be with Sam, but everyone in that house had finally come to the conclusion that things don’t ever go back to the beginning. The story goes on and re-reading the first chapter doesn’t change what the other ones tell. We go forward.

“So we start over?” Sam asked.

“No. Let’s start from here. You and me and our mistakes.”

Ben could feel both their smiles from the doorway. He wondered if they could feel his.

7

The summer moved like molasses, with each day becoming a barrier between Ben and starting school at his dream college. Ben, Sam, and Caleb took a trip to the campus three times over the summer to fill out paperwork and just visit in general. Every moment was a thrill for Ben as he met his new professors, librarians, and faculty members. Sam seemed impressed with the campus, and Caleb bought more junk from the school store than seemed necessary, but he enjoyed all his purchases, particularly a ‘My Son Goes To Yale’ shirt he had altered into a tank top that read ‘My Boyfriend Goes To Yale’ through the power of scissors and fabric markers.

Ben was excited, more than he could articulate, but there were parts of him that were hesitant. He would be leaving home. He would be far from those he loved: his brother and Caleb. Ben had been distant from Caleb before. They had used letters to communicate, and had bumped into each other at clubs, but this would be different. This would be more permanent and Ben couldn’t stand that he had just gotten Caleb and he was going to have to give him up again.

“You’ve barely packed!” Caleb announced as he climbed into Ben’s room from the trapdoor. “I would have thought you’d’ve been ready since the day you got accepted.”

“I’m just… not sure what I’ll need,” Ben mumbled, shuffling through the papers on his desk as though they were important.

“Now, or there?”

“Um, both.”

“Right.”

Ben didn’t respond to that, but instead picked up his phone and re-read his texting conversation with Javier. His friend was going to school in Florida. There was a pain in Ben’s heart at the thought. He remembered Nathan Hale. He left and never came back. Javier had guessed at Ben’s fears, and made a pact that they would Skype every other week. They said ‘Skype’, but neither of them had ever been able to get Skype to work for them, so they would be using Google Hangouts instead, but they said ‘Skype’ anyway, because that’s what you said. Things like vernacular were oftentimes the only things that never changed.

“You OK?” Caleb asked as he pulled up a chair to sit across from Ben.

“I’m fine. I’m happier than I’ve ever been!” Ben said, and that was true. But happiness and fear can co-exist.

“But something’s wrong.”

“No. I mean, nothing important.”

“Ben.”

“We’re not breaking up,” Ben said suddenly. Caleb furrowed his brow and tilted his head, like he was trying to figure out how that statement had arrived in the conversation.

“I’m… glad to hear it?”

“We’re not breaking up because I’m moving,” Ben explained. “I’m not leaving like that.”

Caleb didn’t look confused anymore. He was smiling in his infectious way.

“You’re not like me, Ben. You don’t leave people. You stay and stay and stay and I don’t think you could leave me if you were offered all the money in the world. I’m stuck with you.”

Ben shrugged in agreement.

“But I know why you’re scared. Every time I left it was dead air for the two of us, but that’s not gonna happen this time Ben. We’re gonna call and text and do the Snapchat thing and I’ll drive up and visit as often as I can.”

“It won’t be the same.”

“Nothing ever is.”

“It could be,” Ben said, worrying his lip.

“Meaning…?”

“There’s a teaching position at a high school near Yale. They need a Gym teacher, and I need you.” The last part sounded needy, but Ben said it anyway. Caleb deserved to know how much he wanted this. “You’re finished TA’ing, and you can apply to work anywhere. You could come with me.”

Caleb’s face was halfway between touched and concerned.

“That’s a big change, Ben,” he said.

“You moved half an hour away to get away from your feelings for me,” Ben said bluntly. Caleb laughed and rolled his eyes.

“So I’m supposed to also move across the state because of my feelings for you?”

“I don’t know,” Ben sighed and went back to shuffling his papers. “I just hate that everything has to be different again. That nothing ever gets to stay the same. I have to keep adjusting and I’m tired of it. I just want to be with you.”

“I wanna be with you too,” Caleb said. He seemed to be mulling over the pros and cons of the situation before shaking his head like he had arrived at a simple solution that he’d missed.

“Yes,” he said quickly. “What the hell is wrong with me? Yes, yes I want to go with you. Yes, I want to spend as much time with you as possible. Yes, I want to be as close to you as possible. No more mistakes, no more apologies, no more leaving each other. I love you. That’s reason enough to cross the world for you, let alone a state. Let’s do it! Where do I apply?”

“Um…” Ben bit back a half-smile. “I sort of hoped you’d have that response, and already sent your resume to the school along with a very detailed application for the position. You have an interview next Monday.”

Of all the reactions Ben had expected Caleb to have, pulling Ben onto his lap for a kiss as deep as the ocean was not mentally listed, but he was grateful for it anyway. There were stagnant parts of life. There were constants.

Ben and Caleb eventually collected themselves enough to journey downstairs and explain the new situation to Sam. His approval mattered to both of them, and he knew it.

“You two are ridiculous,” he said, but he was smiling, and Ben could breathe. This was happening.

Day passed faster then. Ben packed the different parts of his life into boxes and totes that fit nicely in Caleb’s car. He’d gotten the job, and an apartment, and he started work three days after Ben started college. He said it was just like him to be racing to catch up to Ben. Sam was starting school one day after Ben, and said much the same. It had never occurred to Ben that he was someone worth chasing after; that he was someone who led a path instead of following it.

There finally came a night when Ben and Caleb and Sam would be spending their last together in the Tallmadge house. The air was filled with too much laughter and tears, so Caleb brought a case of beer and the three of them climbed onto the roof to sit and talk about the future, and the past, and the present. To complain, and wish, and dream, and laugh, and live in the moment, but this time Ben felt like he belonged up there with Caleb and Sam. He was as wanted up there by them as they were by him, and Ben could feel that this time and came to the conclusion that belonging was something you decided, not something that was decided for you. He hadn’t known that the last time they were all up there.

The light of the stars sparkled in the sky above them and the twinges of nostalgia panged at Ben’s stomach just like he knew they would when he thought about that moment, so many years ago, when they were in that same spot. So much had changed, including him, but some things remained the same. There would always be the roof, and the sky, and the boundless anticipation of a new beginning. Maybe he _had_ joined the stars that day, so long ago, when they were all here before. He could believe that as he and Caleb and Sam sat as specks from a distance, forming an unnamed constellation on the roof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've loved writing this story so much, I can't describe it. I put so much of my heart into this work, and that's not me being facetious. I truly hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed telling it. May we meet again.


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